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(Plot)
(Come on, at least paste the script to a good Shrek movie.)
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== Plot ==
 
== Plot ==
A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light
+
The book begins with a message from [[R. L. Stine]]. He welcomes the reader to his office and starts to talk about the wanted posters on the walls. You are studying the poster of [[Mrs. Maaargh]], the Creature Teacher. R.L. Stine tells you that that a boy named [[Tommy Farrelly]] can tell you all about her. He tells you you'll soon find out why she is MOST WANTED...
descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince
+
Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open
+
Tommy is twelve years old, and for his summer vacation he's going to Winner Island Camp. This is not how Tommy wants to spend his summer, but in his family, everybody is extremely competitive. It's always about who's the fastest, strongest smartest, luckiest. Tommy likes to take it easy but his family wants him to see the world the way they do so they're sending him to Winner Island Camp to make him a winner.
plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.
+
+
Tommy and his family go to a restaurant called Andy's Fish Shack. There's a dock near the restaurant where a ship will come to bring Tommy to the camp. At the restaurant, Tommy's family has a few pointless competitions over who can eat the fastest, get to the table fastest, who has the biggest breakfast, etc. Tommy's mother takes out a brochure for the camp with a note from the Director, Uncle Felix. The note reads: When you arrive, you are a LOSER. But losers NEVER leave Winner Island.
''' PRINCE CHARMING
+
''' Onward Chauncey, to the highest
+
Tommy is a little freaked out by the note. Their food soon arrives and the whole family puts hot sauce on it except for Tommy. They apparently put hot sauce on everything. A man named Jared soon comes to pick Tommy up. He is only picking Tommy up because the camp already started and he's late. On the boat he finds more brochures that have similar messages as that of the first one. Tommy soon gets to the island and Jared tells Tommy he hopes he see him on the way back. This also freaks Tommy out. A counselor named Robb greets Tommy and takes his bags. Tommy sees a group of kids fighting each other and the counselors just watching. Robb tells him those are just their morning warm-ups.
room of the tallest tower! Where
+
my princess awaits rescue from her
+
Robb tells Tommy that Uncle Felix may want to talk with him. He directs Tommy to his office and promises he'll take Tommy's bag to his cabin. There's a sign on his office door reading: DO NOT KNOCK. Tommy listens to the sign and fails a "test". Apparently, a winner would have ignored the sign. He eventually lets Tommy in and asks him if he met the Teacher. He says no. Uncle Felix tells Tommy he can report to Cabin J. Tommy thought he was going to cabin 12 and it is then revealed that Robb isn't a counselor. All of the cabins are actually numbered and Robb robbed him of his belongings. Uncle Felix tells Tommy that was his first lesson: never trust anybody.
handsome Prince Charming.
+
+
Tommy leaves his office and wanders around the camp in an attempt to find Cabin J. While he's wandering, he meets a girl named Sophie. He asks if she knows where Cabin J is. She tells Tommy that there is no Cabin J; the cabins are all numbered. Sophie tells Tommy about The Teacher. The Teacher, she says, is a monster named Mrs. Maaargh. Mrs. Maaargh eats the worst loser. She showed up on the island one day and Uncle Felix couldn't do anything about it. He promised her she could eat one camper. Tommy doesn't believe her and thinks that she's trying to pull a joke on the new kid. She angrily storms off when Tommy doesn't believe her and says she'll eat him for coming to camp late. Tommy finds Cabin 12 and is drenched with water by a kid named Ricardo. They're bunk mates. He apologizes for he thought Tommy was kid from Cabin 10 he was having a war with. Ricardo tells Tommy he had his stuff stolen as well by a guy named Steele.
Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
+
wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
+
Suddenly Sophie runs into their cabin in a panic. She tells them that Mrs. Maargh had decided to eat Tommy right away instead of at the end of camp. Ricardo starts to panic but Tommy still thinks it's a joke. Against Sophie and Ricardo's advice, Tommy goes off to face the"imaginary" Mrs. Maaargh. Along the way, Tommy sees everybody running away because Mrs. Maaargh was letting a wolf out. Tommy still doesn't believe and goes into her office. Tommy finds Mrs. Maaargh, who does look like a monster. Tommy thinks her ugly, monster face is a mask and tries to pull it off. Tommy is horrified when he realizes it's not a mask, it's her face! She screams in pain and rage. Tommy tells her he's sorry and did it because he didn't believe in monsters. This makes her more angry. She tells Tommy that she eats the loser at the bottom of her chart, and Tommy had just sunk to the bottom of her chart.
bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another
+
stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
+
Mrs. Maaargh then tells Tommy he had to be punished for hurting her face. She gives him a spoon and tells him to pick her nose with it for her. Tommy refuses to do so and he runs out of her office. Tommy runs to the island's dock where the boat that took him there is parked. When he gets there, a snake attacks him. Then, Uncle Felix catches him and takes him back to Mrs. Maaargh's class.
In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
+
effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
+
Whenever Tommy tries to escape, he is caught. He finds himself at the bottom of her chart for most of the time. He ultimately loses and Mrs. Maaargh prepares to eat him. But he has one last thing to fight her off with. A bottle of hot sauce. Tommy squirts it at her and it's so hot that she jumps off the island and into the water. Mrs. Maaargh leaves and never comes back.
stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
+
lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
+
For a while, all of the kids and camp counselors are happy. They all party for a few days because Mrs. Maaargh is gone. Then, a monster with two heads comes to the island. He says his name is Mr. Baaargh and that Camp Winner will continue as normal. Mr. Baaargh pulls out a chart telling the kids to keep on eye on the chart, because at the end of camp, he plans to eat two of them.
of a cheaply painted backdrop.
 
 
The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
 
audience.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' This is worse than Love Letters! I
 
hate dinner theatre.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' Me too.
 
 
Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
 
 
Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Whoa there, Chauncey!
 
 
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
 
strikes a dramatic pose.
 
 
A Princess leans from a tower window.
 
 
''' ACTRESS
 
''' Hark! The brave Prince Charming
 
approach-ith.
 
 
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay
 
the monster that guards you and
 
take my place as rightful King.
 
 
An old couple at a table look confused.
 
 
''' OLD LADY
 
''' (to old man)
 
What did she say?
 
 
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
 
him.
 
 
A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
 
 
''' OGRE
 
''' Grrrrrrr!
 
 
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
 
cheer.
 
 
''' FAIRYTALE CREATURES
 
'''''' (CHEERING)
 
''' Woooo hoooo!!!
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' Yea! Shrek!
 
 
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
 
Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
 
monster.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Prepare foul beast to enter into a
 
world of pain with which you are
 
not familiar!
 
 
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
 
 
''' WAITER
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' Happy Birthday to thee.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Do you mind?
 
 
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
 
stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' Do you mind? Bo-ring!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
 
 
 
 
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
 
tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
 
The tower facade starts to topple.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
'''''' (CLEARS THROAT)
 
''' Prepare foul beast-
 
 
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
 
falling. He cringes.
 
 
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
 
unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The
 
crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
 
his mangled sword at the audience.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' (shaking his sword again)
 
Someday you'll be sorry.
 
 
''' HECKLER
 
'''''' (O.S.)
 
''' We already are!
 
 
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
 
picks up his hobby horse and exits.
 
 
''' OGRE
 
''' Grrrrrrr!
 
 
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
 
 
 
''' INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
'''
 
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
 
to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
 
He opens it.
 
 
 
''' EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
 
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
 
 
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
 
Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
 
Charming breaks down and cries.
 
 
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
 
to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel"
 
is written on the picture.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
'''''' (HEAVY SOBS)
 
''' Oh mommy.
 
 
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
 
determined change grows across his face.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Oh, you're right. I can't let this
 
happen. I can't.
 
 
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
 
expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
 
holds his chin up high.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' I am the rightful King of Far Far
 
Away and I promise you this mother.
 
I will restore dignity to my
 
throne!
 
 
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
 
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
 
and narrow.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
 
''' And this time, no one will stand in
 
my way!
 
 
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
 
crowd.
 
 
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
 
 
 
''' EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
 
'''
 
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
 
rises and the birds sing.
 
 
 
''' INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
 
over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Good morning.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Good morning.
 
''' (DREAMY)
 
''' Oh... morning breath...
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
 
 
 
 
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (DREAMY)
 
''' I know. Isn't it wonderful?
 
 
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
 
in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
 
cowers beneath the bedclothes.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' "Good morning! Good morning!"
 
 
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
 
exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
 
 
Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain
 
as he enters the room.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' "The sun is shining through! Good
 
morning! Good morning.
 
(coming closer and closer
 
''' TO SHREK)
 
''' "To you!"
 
''' (TO SHREK)
 
''' "And you!"
 
''' (TO DRONKEY)
 
''' And you!
 
 
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
 
their path.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Oh, they grow up so fast.
 
 
Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a
 
little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Not fast enough.
 
 
Puss leaps onto the bed.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Okay. You have a very full day
 
filling in for the King and Queen.
 
There are several functions that
 
require your attendance, sir.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Great! Let's get started.
 
 
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
 
starts to snore.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' C'mon, lazy bones, time to get
 
movin'!
 
 
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
 
surprised to see Shrek's bare legs.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Aaahhh! You know you really need
 
to get yourself a pair of jammies.
 
 
Shrek sighs.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
 
'''
 
The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
 
"Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
 
title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
 
 
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
 
walks down the aisle of the church.
 
 
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
 
 
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea
 
what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
 
indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
 
starts to knight the knight.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I knight thee...
 
 
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' He-he. Ooh.
 
 
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
 
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
 
 
 
 
 
''' EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
 
'''
 
Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
 
Navy.
 
 
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
 
boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
 
the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
 
side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
 
 
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
 
heads as they leave.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
 
'''
 
Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
 
Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
 
them.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Well, since you're filling in for
 
one, you might as well look like a
 
real King. Can somebody come in
 
here and work on Shrek please?
 
 
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
 
 
''' RAUL
 
'''''' (AHEM)
 
''' I will see what I can do.
 
 
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
 
 
Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
 
 
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
 
cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
 
turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
 
away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
 
 
We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into
 
frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash.
 
 
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Ow!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
 
 
 
 
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
 
reveal that the lips are Shrek's.
 
 
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps
 
snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
 
tighten up the zipper all the way.
 
 
A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn,
 
Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
 
 
A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is
 
tightened.
 
 
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's
 
belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
 
 
 
''' INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
 
'''
 
REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
 
Renaissance outfits.
 
 
Donkey gasps.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Oh!
 
 
Puss rolls his eyes.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Yeah, wow.
 
 
Fiona is uncomfortable.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Uh, is this really necessary?
 
 
''' RAUL
 
'''''' (TO SHREK)
 
''' Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I'm Shrek, you twit.
 
 
''' RAUL
 
''' Whatever.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Okay peoples! This isn't a
 
rehearsal. Let's see some hustle.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Smiles everyone, smiles!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
 
 
 
 
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
 
arriving at the party.
 
 
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I don't know how much longer I can
 
keep this up Fiona.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please
 
just try to grin and bear it? It's
 
just until Dad gets better.
 
 
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' You look handsome.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ah. Come here, you.
 
 
She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
 
back.
 
 
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
 
their bulky outfits prevent it.
 
 
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
 
and I can't reach it in this monkey
 
suit!
 
 
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh.
 
''' (WHISTLE)
 
''' Hey you. Come here!
 
 
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What's your name?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
 
 
 
 
''' FIDDLESWORTH
 
''' Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
 
 
 
''' INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
 
 
''' MASTER OF CEREMONIES
 
''' Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
 
Fiona and Sir Shrek!
 
 
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
 
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You've done it. Oh, a little over
 
to the left, yeah. That's great.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Uh Shrek?
 
 
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd
 
looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh
 
yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it!
 
Oh that's good!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
 
got it. You're on it. That's
 
great!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' SHREK!
 
'''
 
Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
 
freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
 
 
Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
 
eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ow!! My eye! My eye!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
 
 
 
 
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
 
 
''' WOMAN
 
''' What are you doing?
 
 
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
 
guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
 
axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
 
axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
 
maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
 
vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
 
 
Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
 
Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
 
pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Fiona!
 
 
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
 
stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
 
through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
 
trapping him.
 
 
''' FIDDLESWORTH
 
''' Uhhh...
 
''' (WIMPER)
 
'''
 
Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Are you okay?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Yeah. I'm fine.
 
 
Fiona's eyes suddenly widen.
 
 
Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
 
carrying flaming skewers.
 
 
''' FIDDLESWORTH
 
''' Ahhhh!
 
 
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
 
with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
 
land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
 
the skewers out and takes a bite.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
 
 
 
 
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
 
ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
 
 
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
 
slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
 
 
''' CRASH! BANG!
 
'''
 
''' CUT TO BLACK:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
'''
 
The door to Fiona's room flies open.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' That's it! We're leaving!
 
 
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Honey, please calm down...
 
 
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Calm down? Who do you think we're
 
kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut
 
out for this, Fiona and I never
 
will be.
 
 
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
 
his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
 
Donkey.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' I think that went pretty well.
 
 
Shrek startles.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Donkey!
 
 
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Aww, come on now Shrek!
 
 
Shrek slams the door shut.
 
 
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
 
his pillow.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
 
 
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Some people just don't understand
 
boundaries.
 
 
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
 
outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
 
ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
 
blinds.
 
 
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
 
to calm him down.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Just think... a couple more days,
 
and we'll be back home in our
 
vermin-filled shack, strewn with
 
fungus, filled with the rotting
 
stench of mud and neglect.
 
 
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
 
and exhales. He smiles.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' And, uh... maybe even the pitter-
 
patter of little feet on the
 
floor...?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (LAUGHS)
 
''' That's right. The swamp rats will
 
be spawning.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Uh, no... you know, what I was
 
thinking of is a little bit bigger
 
than a swamp rat.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Donkey?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' No, Shrek. Um... what if -
 
''' THEORETICALLY -
 
'''
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' They were little ogre feet?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh.
 
''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 
'''
 
Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
 
 
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Honey? Let's try and be rational
 
about this. Have you seen a baby
 
lately? They just eat and poop and
 
they cry and then they cry when
 
they poop and they poop when they
 
cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby.
 
They extra cry and they extra poop.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek.
 
 
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Don't you ever think about having a
 
family?
 
 
Shrek takes her hand.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Right now, you're my family.
 
 
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
 
revealing a Royal Page.
 
 
Shrek springs up.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well, somebody better be dying.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
'''
 
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's
 
bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' I'm dying.
 
 
The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
 
Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen
 
comes to the King's aid and he settles down.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15.
 
 
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Harold.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' Don't forget to pay the gardener,
 
Lillian.
 
 
The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Of course darling.
 
 
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' Fiona...
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Yes Daddy?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' I know I've made many mistakes with
 
you.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' It's okay.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' But your love for Shrek has taught
 
me so much.
 
 
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' My dear boy, I am proud to call you
 
my son.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' And I'm proud to call you my
 
Frog... King Dad in-law.
 
 
Shrek smiles.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' Now, there is a matter of business
 
to attend tooo...
 
 
The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
 
They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' The Frog King is dead.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16.
 
 
 
 
Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (TO PUSS)
 
''' Put your hat back on, fool.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' Shrek, please come hither.
 
 
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah, Dad?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' This Kingdom needs a new king. You
 
and Fiona are next in line for the
 
throne.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ooo. Next in line. Now you see
 
Dad, that's why people love you.
 
Even on your deathbed you're still
 
making jokes.
 
 
The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
 
closer.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King?
 
I don't think that's such a good
 
idea. There's got to be somebody
 
else. Anybody?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' Aside from you there is only one
 
remaining heir.
 
 
Shrek brightens.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Really!? Who is he, Dad?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' His name is... is... is...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What's his name? What's his name?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' ...is ...
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17.
 
 
 
 
Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in
 
anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Daddy!
 
 
The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
 
away.
 
 
Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
 
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
''' (chewing the fly)
 
His name is Arthur.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Arthur?
 
 
''' KING HAROLD
 
'''''' (COUGH)
 
''' I know you'll do what's...
 
''' (EXHALING)
 
''' riiiight...
 
 
He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Harold!?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Dad? Dad? Dad?
 
 
Donkey bows his head.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Do your thing, man.
 
 
Puss takes his hat off.
 
 
Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's
 
request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
 
 
We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
 
to let the King's passing sink in.
 
 
''' DISSOLVE TO:
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
 
 
 
 
 
''' EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
 
the shops on Rodeo Drive.
 
 
''' DISSOLVE TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
 
flag is lowered to half-masked.
 
 
 
''' EXT. POND - LATER
 
'''
 
Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
 
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
 
for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
 
Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
 
into the water.
 
 
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
 
pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
 
"Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
 
Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
 
 
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
 
 
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
 
Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
 
sadly gazes at the pond.
 
 
''' DISSOLVE TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
 
horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
 
hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
 
rides off.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
 
'''
 
Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
 
 
 
 
 
''' INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
 
top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
 
and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
 
over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
 
microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
 
"I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
 
 
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
 
pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
 
takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
 
of empty beer mugs.
 
 
Prince Charming enters the bar.
 
 
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
 
mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
 
the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
 
 
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
 
adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
 
Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
 
notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
 
Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
 
glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks
 
by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
 
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
 
the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck.
 
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
 
bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
 
and sits.
 
 
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
 
clears his throat.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' What does a Prince have to do to
 
get a drink around here?
 
 
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
 
with a smiling beer wench.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
 
stepsister I'll never know.
 
 
He winks at her. She glares at him.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Where's Doris, taking the night
 
off?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
 
 
 
 
''' MABEL
 
''' She's not welcome here and neither
 
are you.
 
 
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
 
 
''' MABEL (CONT'D)
 
''' What do you want, Charming?
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Oh not much, just a chance at
 
redemption...
 
''' (LAUGHS)
 
''' And a Fuzzy Navel.
 
 
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' And Fuzzy Navels for all my
 
friends!
 
 
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
 
singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
 
cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' We're not your friends.
 
 
Prince Charming grows nervous.
 
 
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
 
 
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
 
shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Ahh!
 
 
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' You don't belong here.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' You're right; oh, I mean you're
 
absolutely right, but I mean, do
 
any of us?
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Do a number on his face!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
 
more alike than you think.
 
 
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
 
saved Snow White and then what
 
happened?
 
 
''' EVIL QUEEN
 
''' Oh, what's it to you?
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' They left you the un-fairest of
 
them all. And now here you are,
 
hustling pool to get your next
 
meal. How does that feel?
 
 
''' EVIL QUEEN
 
''' Pretty unfair.
 
 
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' And you? Your star puppet abandons
 
the show to go and find his father.
 
 
''' PUPPET MASTER
 
''' I hate that little wooden puppet.
 
 
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' And Hook...
 
 
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
 
''' ... Need I say more?
 
 
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' And you! Frumpypigskin.
 
 
''' RUMPLESTILTSKIN
 
''' Rumplestiltskin.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Where's that first-born you were
 
promised, hey?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
 
 
 
 
Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
 
 
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Mabel, remember how you couldn't
 
get your little fat foot into that
 
tiny glass slipper?
 
 
Mabel sighs.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
 
now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
 
with every little last Fairy-tale
 
Creature that has ever done you
 
wrong.
 
 
Prince Charming now has everyone's attention.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Once upon a time, someone decided
 
that we were the losers. But there
 
are two sides to every story. And
 
our side has not been told.
 
 
The crowd listens, rapt.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' So who will join me? Who wants to
 
come out on top for once? Who
 
wants their happily ever after?!
 
 
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
 
room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
 
ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
 
nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
 
'''
 
The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
 
 
''' BLIND MOUSE #1
 
''' This way gents.
 
 
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
 
to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
 
gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
 
set off to retrieve Arthur.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
 
 
 
 
On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
 
over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' It's out of my hands senorita, the
 
winds of fate have blown on my
 
destiny. But I will never forget
 
you. You are the love of my life.
 
 
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
 
 
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
 
''' As are you...
 
 
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
 
Puss.
 
 
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
 
''' And you.
 
 
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
 
in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
 
away from them and into another.
 
 
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
 
''' And, uh... hi. I don't know you,
 
but I'd like to. I gotta go.
 
 
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
 
Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
 
out a soft wail.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' I know, I know... I don't want to
 
leave you either baby, but you know
 
how Shrek is. The dude's lost
 
without me.
 
 
She gives him an understanding smile.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' But don't worry. I'll send you
 
airmail kisses everyday!
 
 
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
 
children, holding back tears.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Alright, be strong babies! Be
 
strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
 
listen to Mama, alright? And
 
Bananas, no more roastin'
 
marshmallows on your sister's head.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
 
 
 
 
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ah, that's my special boy. Oh,
 
come over here, all of you. Give
 
your Daddy a big hug!
 
 
The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
 
 
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
 
and the others.
 
 
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek, maybe you should just stay
 
and be King.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could
 
ever run a kingdom. That's why your
 
cousin Arthur's the perfect choice.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' It's not that. No. It's, you
 
see...
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' And if he gives me any trouble,
 
I've always got persuasion and
 
reason.
 
(holds up his right fist)
 
Here's persuasion,
 
(holds up his left fist)
 
and here's reason.
 
 
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you
 
and me and our swamp.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' (HESITANT)
 
''' It's not going to be just you and
 
me.
 
 
The ship's fog horn sounds.
 
 
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
 
''' All aboard!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' It will be. I promise. I love
 
you.
 
 
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
 
 
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
 
 
The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
 
Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
 
 
''' FAIRYTALE CREATURES
 
''' Awwwwwwwww!
 
 
''' PIG #1
 
''' That's lovely.
 
 
Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Bye bye babies!
 
 
Fiona runs after the boat.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek!
 
 
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Wait!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What is it?
 
 
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' I'm, I'm-
 
 
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
 
smiles back at her.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (LAUGHS)
 
''' I love you too honey!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' No... No, I said I'm pr-
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
 
 
 
 
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
 
and throws it overboard.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You're what?!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' I said I'm pregnant!
 
 
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' (doesn't want to believe
 
''' HIS EARS)
 
''' Uh... what was that?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' You're going to be a father!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 
''' That's great.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Really? I'm glad you think so! I
 
love you.
 
 
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah...
 
''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
 
''' Me too... you...
 
 
Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
 
 
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna
 
be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an
 
Uncle!
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Oh, and you my friend are royally--
 
 
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
 
fog.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
 
 
 
 
 
''' EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
 
'''
 
The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
 
as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
 
 
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ahhh. Home.
 
 
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
 
outside of Shrek's swamp house.
 
 
He leaps off the boat.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Woohoo!
 
 
 
''' EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ahh.
 
 
He skips and dances happily toward his house.
 
 
''' FIONA (O.S.)
 
''' Shrek!?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ooo.
 
''' (LAUGHS)
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
 
presenting himself.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Fiona!
 
 
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
 
Fiona is not there.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Fiona?
 
 
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
 
behind him.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
 
 
 
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
 
slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
 
Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
 
innocently at him.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Huh? Oh no.
 
 
The baby burps.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (AMUSED)
 
''' Better out than in, I always say.
 
Ha ha!
 
 
''' OGRE BABY
 
''' Hiccup!
 
 
This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
 
directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
 
vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
 
eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
 
The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his
 
hands.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
 
It's okay. It's gonna be alright.
 
 
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
 
it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
 
that his house is filled with babies.
 
 
''' OGRE BABY
 
''' Da-Da!
 
 
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
 
his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
 
onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
 
and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
 
tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
 
Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
 
of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
 
over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
 
baby out of the cauldron.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
 
No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
 
 
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
 
Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
 
through the room picking up babies.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
 
 
 
 
 
''' INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
 
open the curtain to his bedroom.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Huh?
 
 
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
 
baby shrugs.
 
 
''' OGRE BABY
 
''' Bubabatoo?
 
 
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
 
Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
 
First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
 
Hundreds of them start piling in.
 
 
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
 
runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
 
keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
 
 
 
''' INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
 
shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
 
He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
 
high school.
 
 
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
 
audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
 
pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
 
himself.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
 
up!
 
 
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
 
faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
 
Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (with ogre baby head)
 
Da-da!
 
 
A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
 
Puss wake up.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Ahhhh!
 
 
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh... I can't believe I'm going to
 
be a father.
 
 
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
 
the ship's railing.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' How did this happen?
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Allow me to explain. You see, when
 
a man has certain feelings for a
 
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
 
him...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I know how it happened. I just
 
can't believe it.
 
 
Shrek walks away.
 
 
Donkey leans over to Puss.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' How does it happen?
 
 
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
 
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' And the cat's in the cradle and the
 
silver spoon,
 
''' (MORE)
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
 
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
 
''' Little boy blue and the man in the
 
moon.
 
 
Shrek rolls his eyes.
 
 
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
 
''' "When you coming home, son?" "I
 
don't know when,
 
But we'll get together then, Dad-"
 
 
Shrek cuts Donkey off.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Donkey, can you just cut to the
 
part where you're supposed to make
 
me feel better?
 
 
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
 
and whispers into Shrek's other ear.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' You know I love Fiona, Boss.
 
Right?
 
''' (CONFIDENTIALLY)
 
''' But what I'm talking about here is
 
you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice-
 
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
 
weeks of nothing but fishing.
 
 
Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an
 
imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
 
whisper in Shrek's other ear.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Man, don't you listen to him.
 
Having a baby is not going to ruin
 
your life.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' It's not my life I'm worried about
 
ruining. It's the kid's.
 
 
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I mean...when have you ever heard
 
the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre"
 
or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or
 
how `bout..."you're gonna' love my
 
dad...he's a real ogre."
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
 
it was going to be easy. But at
 
least you got us to help you out.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' That's true.
 
 
He thinks for a moment.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I'm doomed.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' You'll be fine.
 
 
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
 
''' You're finished.
 
 
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
 
 
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
 
''' Uh, with your journey.
 
 
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
 
nearby bluff.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
 
'''
 
Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
 
 
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
 
sounds fancy.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' It's Worcestershire.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's
 
spicy!
 
 
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Oohh! They must be expecting us.
 
 
They start over the drawbridge.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
 
 
 
 
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
 
out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
 
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' What in the shista-shire kind of
 
place is this?
 
 
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well, my stomach aches and my palms
 
just got sweaty. Must be a high
 
school.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' High school?!
 
 
 
''' EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
A group of cheerleaders practice.
 
 
''' CHEERLEADERS
 
''' Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
 
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
 
so, we think so! And dost thou
 
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
 
we thinks not! We thinks not!
 
 
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
 
he walks through the courtyard.
 
 
''' FEMALE STUDENT #1
 
''' Ahhhhh!
 
 
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
 
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
 
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
 
Student Driver."
 
 
''' DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
 
''' All right Mr. Percival, just ease
 
up on the reigns-
 
 
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
 
 
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
 
 
''' VAN STUDENT
 
''' (cough, cough)
 
For lo bro, don't burn all my
 
frankincense and myrrh.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' I'm already starting to feel
 
nauseous from memories of wedgies
 
and swirlies!
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' But how did you receive the wedgies
 
when you are clearly not the wearer
 
of the underpants?
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Let's just say some things are
 
better left unsaid and leave it at
 
that.
 
 
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' So then I was all like "I'd rather
 
get the black plague and lock
 
myself in an iron maiden than go
 
out with you."
 
 
''' TIFFANY
 
''' Eh, totally.
 
 
Shrek approaches them.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Pardon me...
 
 
They flee in terror.
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' Eh! Totally ew-th!
 
 
''' TIFFANY
 
''' Yeah, totally!
 
 
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
 
game.
 
 
''' GARY
 
''' Yes! I just altered my character
 
level to plus three superbability.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Hi, we're looking for someone named-
 
 
''' GARY
 
''' Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
 
spell and summoned the beast and
 
his quadrupeds.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
 
 
 
 
''' XAVIER
 
''' Ha! Ha!
 
''' (SNORT)
 
''' Ah!
 
 
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I know you're busy "not fitting in"
 
but can either of you tell me where
 
I can find Arthur?
 
 
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
 
towards the athletic field.
 
 
''' GARY
 
''' He's over there.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
 
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
 
 
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
 
charge. It's an exciting back and forth.
 
 
Hooves pound on sand.
 
 
The Knight's eyes steady.
 
 
The horse rears majestically.
 
 
The opponent's eyes widen in fear.
 
 
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
 
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
 
 
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
 
helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
 
his victory.
 
 
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 
''' Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
 
on thy tongue than victory!
 
 
''' JOCKS
 
''' Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
 
 
Shrek turns to Puss.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
 
Does Arthur look like a King or
 
what?
 
 
Shrek steps forward.
 
 
''' TEENAGER (ARTIE)
 
''' Ow.
 
 
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
 
LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh. Sorry.
 
 
The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
 
where he hit the ground.
 
 
''' TEENAGER (ARTIE)
 
''' Did you just say you were looking
 
for Arthur?
 
 
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' That information is on a need to
 
know basis.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' It's top secret, hushity hush.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
 
'''
 
The Knight commands his troops.
 
 
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 
''' Now gentlemen let's away... to the
 
showers!
 
 
''' JOCKS
 
''' Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
 
 
Shrek approaches the Knight.
 
 
The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
 
gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' Greetings your majesty. This is
 
your lucky day.
 
 
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 
''' So what for like are you supposed
 
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
 
leprechaun or something?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
 
leprechaun... You made a funny.
 
 
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
 
ogre-style.
 
 
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 
''' Unhand me, monster!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Stop squirming, Arthur.
 
 
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
 
''' I'm not Arthur!
 
 
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
 
tries to regain his dignity.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' I am Lancelot.
 
 
Lancelot points across the school yard.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' That dork over there is Arthur!
 
 
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
 
school yard.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Hey!
 
 
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
 
 
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' Aaah.
 
 
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
 
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
 
 
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' Ahem! This is like totally
 
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
 
thinkest thou vex her so soothly...
 
 
The other girls giggle.
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' And she thought perchance thou
 
would wanna ask her to the
 
Homecoming Dance or something...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Uh, excuse me?
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' It's like whatever. She's just
 
totally into college guys and
 
mythical creatures and stuff.
 
 
She pops her gum.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. HALLWAY - LATER
 
'''
 
Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
 
wherever you are...
 
 
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
 
Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
 
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Yeah, you better run, you little
 
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
 
of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
 
are over!
 
 
An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt.
 
 
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
 
HALL MONITOR who stops them.
 
 
''' HALL MONITOR
 
'''
 
Hold it...
 
 
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
 
 
 
 
''' COSTUME STUDENT 1
 
''' We're here for the Mascot Contest.
 
 
''' COSTUME STUDENT 2
 
''' Grrrrr!
 
 
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' (pleased with himself)
 
We're here for the Mascot Contest
 
too.
 
 
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
 
and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
 
 
''' HALL MONITOR
 
'''''' (SUSPICIOUS)
 
''' This is a costume?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (RECOVERING)
 
''' Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night
 
long!
 
 
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
 
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
 
suspicious.
 
 
''' HALL MONITOR
 
''' Looks pretty real to me.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' If it were real could I do this?
 
 
Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
 
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Or this?
 
 
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
 
Shrek winces and sweats.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
 
''' He's right! If it were real that
 
would have been agonizingly
 
painful!
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Now watch this....
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
 
'''''' GRITTED TEETH)
 
''' That's quite enough boys.
 
 
 
''' INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
 
student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
 
 
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 
''' Thank you to Professor Primbottom
 
for his invigorating lecture on how
 
to just say "nay".
 
 
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
 
up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
 
 
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 
''' And now, without further ado, let's
 
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
 
to the winner of our "New Mascot"
 
contest... the--
 
 
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
 
 
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D)
 
''' --ogre?
 
 
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' That's right. I'm the new mascot.
 
So let's really try and beat the
 
other guys... at whatever it is
 
they're doing.
 
 
The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star."
 
 
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 
''' This is indeed all a bit
 
unorthodox.
 
 
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's
 
megaphone.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Now, where can I find Arthur
 
Pendragon?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
 
 
 
 
The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie
 
hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
 
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
 
 
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' Classic.
 
 
Donkey turns to Lancelot.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' You should be ashamed of yourself.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' I didn't do it. They did.
 
 
Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
 
with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
 
 
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Please don't eat me.
 
 
''' STUDENTS
 
'''''' (CHANTING)
 
''' Eat him! Eat him!
 
 
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
 
 
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
 
''' Eat him!
 
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I'm not here to eat him.
 
 
''' STUDENTS
 
'''''' AWWW.
 
'''
 
''' SHREK
 
''' It's time to pack up your
 
toothbrush and jammies. You're the
 
new King of Far Far Away.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' What?
 
 
The students react with surprise and disbelief.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
 
 
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' Artie a King? More like the Mayor
 
of Loserville.
 
 
''' BOHORT
 
''' Nice one Lance!
 
 
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
 
 
''' LANCELOT
 
''' Burn.
 
 
Everyone laughs.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Is this for real?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Absolutely. Now clean out your
 
locker, kid. You've got a kingdom
 
to run.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' So wait, I'm really the only heir?
 
 
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' The one and only.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Give me just a second.
 
 
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
 
speech.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' My good people, I think there's a
 
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
 
the next time you're about to dunk
 
a kid's head in a chamber pot,
 
you'll stop and think, hey, maybe
 
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
 
should cut him some slack. Because
 
maybe, just maybe... this guy's
 
gonna turn out to be, uh...I
 
dunno...a King! And maybe his
 
first royal decree will be to
 
banish everyone who ever picked on
 
him -- that's right, I'm looking at
 
you, jousting team.
 
 
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always
 
loved you.
 
 
''' GUINEVERRE
 
''' Ew.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Well good friends, it breaks my
 
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
 
prison while I rule the free world
 
baby!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Alright, let's not overdo it.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' I'm building my city people! On
 
Rock and Roll!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You just overdid it.
 
 
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Ow!
 
 
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. LIBRARY - DAY
 
'''
 
All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
 
Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
 
flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at
 
her.
 
 
''' PRINCESSES
 
'''''' (GASP)
 
''' Oh!
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Look at you!
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Wow!
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' You look darling!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
 
 
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' Just precious! Look at her!
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' So, have you had any cravings since
 
you've been pregnant?
 
 
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
 
cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' (MOUTH FULL)
 
''' No, no, not at all.
 
 
She takes another bite.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Do you smell ham?
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' Oooh! It's present time!
 
 
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
 
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Oh, Fiona, won't you please open
 
mine first? It's the one in front.
 
 
Fiona reads the card.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' (READING)
 
''' "Congratulations on your new mess
 
maker..." Oh, `mess maker.'
 
''' (LAUGHS)
 
''' "Hopefully this helps. Love,
 
Cinderella."
 
 
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
 
scooper.
 
 
''' PRINCESSES
 
''' Oooo! Aaaah!
 
 
''' DORIS
 
''' Will you look at that!
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' What is it?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
 
 
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' It's for the poopies.
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' Eww. Wait, babies poop?
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Everyone poops Beauty.
 
 
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
 
 
''' PIG #2
 
''' Fiona...
 
 
''' PIG #1
 
''' Fiona! We all chipped in for a
 
little present too.
 
 
''' PIGS
 
''' Yah!
 
 
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
 
Gingerbread Man inside.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
 
''' Ta dah!
 
 
''' PRINCESSES
 
''' Oooh.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' You know the baby's gonna love it
 
because I do!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Oh, you guys, that's so sweet.
 
Thank you.
 
 
Fiona turns to another present.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Who's this one from?
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' I got you the biggest one because I
 
love you the most.
 
 
The other girls scowl at her.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' (reading the card)
 
"Have one on me, love Snow White"
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
 
 
 
 
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' (CONFUSED)
 
''' Umm... what is it?
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby-
 
sitter.
 
 
''' NANNY DWARF
 
''' Where's the baby?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' You're too kind, Snow, but I can't
 
accept this.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Think nothing of it. I've got six
 
more at home.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' What does he do?
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' The cleaning.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' The feeding.
 
 
''' NANNY DWARF
 
''' The burping.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' So what are Shrek and I supposed to
 
do?
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Well, now you'll have plenty of
 
time to work on your marriage.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's
 
that supposed to mean?
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
 
what happens.
 
 
Cinderella prods beauty.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
 
 
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
'''''' (WAKING)
 
''' Huh? You're tired all the time...
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' You'll start letting yourself go...
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' Stretch marks!
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Say goodbye to romance.
 
 
Dragon puts her head through the window.
 
 
''' DRAGON
 
''' Yort.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Um sorry... but how many of you
 
have kids?
 
 
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
 
 
''' DORIS
 
''' She's right. A baby is only gonna
 
strengthen the love that Shrek and
 
Fiona have. How did Shrek react
 
when you told him? Tell me!
 
 
Fiona smiles.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Well, when he first found
 
out...Shrek said-
 
 
''' DRAGON
 
''' Roarrr!
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
 
'''
 
The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
 
broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
 
the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
 
with one of the witches.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
 
'''''' (LAUGHING)
 
''' Onward my new friends.
 
''' (MORE)
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
 
''' To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
 
ha ha ha!
 
 
A bug flies into his mouth.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
 
 
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Now, bombs away!
 
 
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
 
swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
 
 
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
 
branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
 
parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
 
Rodeo Drive.
 
 
 
''' EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
 
are diving out of her way.
 
 
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
 
terror.
 
 
''' EVIL TREES
 
''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
 
 
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
 
Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Well, well, well. If it isn't
 
Peter Pan.
 
 
''' MOTHER
 
''' His name's not Peter!
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Shut it, Wendy!
 
 
''' MOTHER
 
''' Ahhh!
 
 
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
 
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
 
"Ye Olde HOOTERS."
 
 
The excited patrons race back in.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
 
 
 
 
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
 
takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
 
 
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
 
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
 
envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Ha, ha, ha, ha!
 
 
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
 
flying down Rodeo Drive.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Enough pillaging! To the castle!
 
 
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
 
up to the castle.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
 
of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
 
 
Fiona runs to the window.
 
 
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
 
struggles.
 
 
''' DRAGON
 
''' Roarrrr!
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
 
 
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
 
furniture in front of the door.
 
 
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
 
themselves against the furniture.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
'''''' (TO FIONA)
 
''' You go and take care of the baby!
 
 
The Princesses panic.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
 
 
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Everybody stay calm. We're all
 
going to die!
 
 
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
'''''' (WHIMPER)
 
'''
 
Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
 
revealing an underground passageway.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Everyone in! Now.
 
 
 
 
''' INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Prince Charming commands the Villains.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' C'mon. Put some back into it
 
people!
 
 
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
 
rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Yee-haw! Ow.
 
 
 
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' We don't have time. Now go!
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Quickly ladies!
 
 
The Princesses go down the stairs.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' We'll hold them off as long as we
 
can!
 
 
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
 
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
 
the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Where are Shrek and Fiona?
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' Name doesn't ring a bell.
 
 
''' PIG #1
 
''' Yah!
 
 
''' PIG #2
 
''' No bell!
 
 
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' I suggest you freaks cooperate with
 
the new King of Far Far Away.
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' The only thing you're ever gonna be
 
King of is "King of the Stupids."
 
 
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Hook!
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Right!
 
 
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Avast, ye cookie!
 
 
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Start talkin'!
 
 
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
 
 
A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes.
 
 
 
''' INT. BAKERY - DAY
 
'''
 
A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
 
puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
 
 
''' MUFFIN MAN
 
''' Gingy!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
 
 
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
''' Papa!
 
 
 
''' INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is attending school.
 
 
''' TEACHER
 
''' Settle down, now.
 
 
Gingerbread Man graduates.
 
 
 
''' EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
 
 
 
''' INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
 
 
 
''' EXT. CHURCH - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
 
wife.
 
 
 
''' INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
 
legs.
 
 
 
''' INT. GYM - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
 
rehabilitation.
 
 
 
''' EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
 
 
''' CUT BACK TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
 
 
 
 
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
 
'''''' (SINGING)
 
''' "On the Good Ship Lollypop,
 
It's a sweet trip,
 
To the candy shop,
 
Where the Bon Bons play,
 
On the sunny beach of Peppermint
 
Bay.."
 
 
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head
 
towards him.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' You! You can't lie. So tell me
 
puppet... Where is Shrek?!
 
 
Pinocchio thinks.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
'''''' (NERVOUS)
 
''' Well, I don't know where he's not.
 
 
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' You're telling me you don't know
 
where Shrek is?
 
 
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume
 
that I couldn't exactly not say
 
that is or isn't almost partially
 
incorrect.
 
 
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' So you do know where he is!
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' On the contrary, I'm possibly more
 
or less, not definitely rejecting
 
the idea, that in no way, with any
 
amount of uncertainty that...
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Stop it.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO (CONT'D)
 
''' ...I undeniably do or do not know
 
where he shouldn't probably be.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
 
 
 
 
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
 
are frustrated.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' If that indeed wasn't where he
 
isn't. Even if he wasn't not where
 
I knew he was could mean that I
 
wouldn't completely not know where
 
he wasn't.
 
 
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
 
 
''' PIG #1
 
''' Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
 
bring back the next heir! Oh!
 
 
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
 
mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' He's bringing back the next heir?
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' No!
 
 
Pinocchio's nose grows.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Right!
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' But bring Shrek to me. I have
 
something special in mind for him.
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' He'll never fall for your tricks!
 
 
Pinocchio's nose grows again.
 
 
''' WOLF
 
''' Oh boy.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
 
'''
 
The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
 
watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' I can't believe it... me a King?
 
I...I mean I knew I came from
 
royalty and all, but I just figured
 
everyone forgot about me.
 
 
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
 
you personally.
 
 
Artie smiles.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not
 
all gonna be fun and games.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' It really is all fun and games,
 
actually. Sure, you have to knight
 
a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
 
By the way, make sure you hit the
 
boat just right with the bottle.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
 
can hit a boat with a bottle.
 
 
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well, I've heard it's harder than
 
it looks.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
 
Parties, princesses, castles...
 
princesses.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll
 
be living in the lap of luxury.
 
They got the finest chefs around
 
waiting for you to place your
 
order.
 
 
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' And fortunately you'll have the
 
royal food tasters.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
'''''' (INTRIGUED))
 
''' Oh yeah? What do they do?
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' They taste the food before the King
 
eats, to make sure it's not
 
poisoned.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Poisoned?
 
 
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Or too salty!
 
 
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (TO ARTIE)
 
''' Don't worry about it. You'll be
 
safe and sound with the help of
 
your body guards.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Body guards?
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' All of them, willing at a moment's
 
notice to lay down their own lives
 
out of devotion to you.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Really?
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Si, and the whole kingdom will look
 
to you for wisdom and guidance.
 
 
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Just make sure they don't die of
 
famine.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Or plague.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Oh, plague is bad.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
 
 
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' The coughing, the groaning, the
 
festering sores.
 
 
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
 
one funny kitty cat.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' What did I say?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' We don't want Artie here getting
 
the wrong idea.
 
 
Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around.
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' Uh, Artie?
 
 
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
 
himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
 
 
''' ALL
 
''' Whoa!
 
 
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
 
direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
 
and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
 
slides by.
 
 
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
 
''' Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Artie!
 
 
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' What are you doing?!
 
 
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
 
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
 
 
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' What does it look like?!
 
 
He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
 
 
 
 
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
 
up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' This really isn't up to you!
 
 
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
 
wheel back the other way.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' But I don't know anything about
 
being King!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You'll learn on the job!
 
 
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Whoaaa!
 
 
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
 
wheel. They wrestle for control.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm
 
going back!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Back to what? Being a loser?!
 
 
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone
 
too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
 
yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
 
decking.
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' Now look what you did!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Look what I did? Who's holding the
 
wheel chief?
 
 
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
 
about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' (SWALLOWING; THEN
 
'''''' SHOUTING)
 
''' Shrek!
 
 
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
 
the ship clear of the rocks.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
 
 
 
 
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
 
crash into the rocks.
 
 
''' SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
 
''' Land ho!
 
 
 
''' EXT. BEACH - DUSK
 
'''
 
Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
 
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
 
drops Puss and Donkey.
 
 
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
 
puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' How humiliating...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Oh, so now it's "Your highness?"
 
What happened to "loser?" Huh?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Hey, if you think this is getting
 
you out of anything, well it isn't.
 
We're heading back to Far Far Away
 
one way or another, and you're
 
gonna be a father!
 
 
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
 
uncomfortably.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' What?
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (clearing his throat)
 
A-hem. You just said father...
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You're... I said king. You're
 
gonna be King!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
'''''' (IMITATING SHREK)
 
''' "You're gonna be King!" Yeah
 
right.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
 
 
 
 
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
 
path into the woods.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Where do you think you're going?
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Far Far Away... from you!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You get back here young man and I
 
mean it!
 
 
Artie keeps climbing.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Uh boss, I don't think he's coming
 
back and maybe it's for the best.
 
He is not exactly king material.
 
 
Shrek looks towards Artie.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' When were you planning on telling
 
him that you were really supposed
 
to be King?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh c'mon, now why would I do that?
 
Besides, he'll be ten times better
 
at it than me.
 
 
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
 
you're gonna have to change your
 
tactics if you want to get anywhere
 
with this kid.
 
 
Beat.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You're right, Donkey.
 
 
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What about this?
 
 
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Shrek!
 
 
Shrek tosses the log.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh c'mon. It's just a joke.
 
''' (LAUGHS)
 
''' Still...
 
 
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
 
 
 
''' EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
 
'''
 
Artie marches up the mountain trail.
 
 
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
 
with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Listen Artie...
 
 
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
 
keeps going.
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' If you think this whole mad scene
 
ain't dope, I feel you dude. I
 
mean, I'm not trying to get up in
 
your grill or raise your roof or
 
whatever, but what I am screaming
 
is, yo, check out this kazing
 
thazing bazaby.
 
 
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
 
cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I mean, if it doesn't groove or
 
what I'm saying ain't straight
 
trippin', just say, oh no you
 
didn't, you know, you're gettin' on
 
my last nerve. And then I'll know
 
it's... then I'll know it's whack--
 
 
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
 
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
 
 
 
 
 
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
 
shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
 
door.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
'''''' SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
 
'''''' BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
 
'''''' ME!
 
'''
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Artie! Wait!
 
 
 
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help!
 
Hello?
 
 
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
 
is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
 
wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
'''''' AHHHH!
 
'''
 
''' WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
 
''' Greetings cosmic children of the
 
universe, and welcome to my
 
serenity circle!
 
 
Shrek watches.
 
 
''' WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
 
''' Please leave any bad vibes outside
 
the healing vortex. And now
 
prepare ...
 
 
With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
 
 
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' I knew I should of gotten that
 
warranty!
 
 
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
 
is promptly zapped in the head.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
 
 
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Mr. Merlin?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You know this guy?
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Yeah. He was the school's magic
 
teacher until he had his nervous
 
breakdown.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Uh, technically I was merely a
 
victim of a level three fatigue,
 
and at the request of my therapist
 
and the school authorities, I have
 
retired to the tranquility of
 
nature to discover my divine
 
purpose.
 
 
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
 
 
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
 
 
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Now, can I interest anyone in a
 
snack or beverage?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Uh, no.
 
 
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Sure you don't wanna try my famous
 
rock au-gratin?
 
 
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
 
from eating rocks.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' It's organic!
 
 
They both stare at him uncomfortably.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
 
the way in. What we need are
 
directions back to Far Far Away.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' What's with the "we"? Who said I
 
was going with you?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of
 
people counting on you so don't try
 
and weasel out of it.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' If it's such a great job, why don't
 
you do it?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Understand this kid, it's no more
 
Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
 
Guy?"
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I know, and I'm gonna miss him.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' You know what? Why don't you go
 
terrorize a village and leave me
 
alone?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, is that some kind of crack
 
about ogres? You get your royal
 
highness to Far Far Away before I
 
kick it there.
 
''' (TO MERLIN)
 
''' Now which way am I kicking?
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Oh, I could tell you. But since
 
you're in the midst of self-
 
destructive rage spiral it would be
 
karmic-ly irresponsible.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Self-destructive ra...
 
''' (TO MERLIN)
 
''' Look, are you gonna help us or not?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
 
 
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Most definitely, but only after you
 
take the journey to your soul.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah, I don't think so.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Look pal, it's either that or some
 
primal scream therapy.
 
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
 
 
Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Alright, alright... journey to the
 
soul...
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER
 
'''
 
A fire blazes.
 
 
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Now all of you, look into the "Fire
 
of Truth" and tell me what you see!
 
Yah! Ha!
 
(Wild war cry)
 
Woo-looo-looo-looo!
 
 
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
 
Rorschach inkblots).
 
 
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
 
dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
 
swirls.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Okay. Monster, go for it.
 
 
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
 
begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
 
He covers his fear and changes the subject.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I see a rainbow pony.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
 
 
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Excellent work!
 
''' (THEN)
 
''' Now! The boy!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' This is lame.
 
 
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Ow!
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' You're lame! Now just go for it.
 
 
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Okay. There's a baby bird and a
 
father bird sitting in a nest.
 
 
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to
 
change as he stays focused.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
 
did he leave the little bird all
 
alone?
 
 
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
 
worked up.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' It's trying to fly, but it doesn't
 
know how to. It.. it's gonna fall!
 
 
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
 
away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
 
stunned.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Whew, proper head case you are,
 
aren't you? Really messed up.
 
Whoa.
 
 
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
 
bird's me. My dad left. So what?
 
 
 
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
 
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
'''''' (CLEARS THROAT)
 
''' Look Artie...um-
 
 
Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are
 
For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device
 
drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
 
shack where Merlin peeks out.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' (loud, over the music)
 
Just thought I might help set the
 
mood! Y'know for your big heart to
 
heart chat!
 
 
Everyone stares at him.
 
 
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's
 
quiet again.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I know what it's like to not feel
 
ready for something.
 
 
Artie looks at him.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Even ogres get scared...you know,
 
once in a while.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' I know you want me to be king, but
 
I can't. I'm not cut out for it and
 
I never will be, alright?
 
 
Shrek takes this in.
 
 
''' ARTIE (CONT'D)
 
''' Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth
 
the trouble. He dumped me at that
 
school the first chance he got and
 
I never heard from him again.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' My dad wasn't really the fatherly
 
type either.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Well, I doubt he was worse than
 
mine.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
 
He tried to eat me.
 
 
Artie looks at Shrek.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Now, I guess I should have seen it
 
coming. He used to give me a bath
 
in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
 
with an apple in my mouth.
 
 
Artie chuckles at this.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Okay... I guess that's... pretty
 
bad.
 
 
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You know, it may be hard to believe
 
what with my obvious charm and good
 
looks, but people used to think
 
that I was a monster. And for a
 
long time, I believed them.
 
 
Artie looks up at Shrek.
 
 
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
 
''' But after awhile, you learn to
 
ignore the names that people call
 
you and you just trust who you are.
 
 
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' You know, you're okay, Shrek.
 
 
He tosses the stick into the fire.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' You just need to do a little less
 
yelling and use a little more soap.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Thanks Artie.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' The soap's because you stink.
 
Really bad.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Yeah. I got that.
 
 
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
 
fire continues to burn.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
 
darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
 
below the castle.
 
 
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
 
the way, holding a torch.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Oh this place is filthy. I feel
 
like a hobo.
 
 
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' I'm sorry but this just isn't
 
working for me.
 
 
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' Everything's always about you,
 
isn't it? It's not like your
 
attitude is helping, Snow.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Well maybe it just bothers you that
 
I was voted fairest in the land.
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' You mean in that rigged election?
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Oh, give me a break.
 
(gesturing toward hair)
 
''' (MORE)
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
 
SNOW WHITE (cont'd)
 
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
 
golden extensions!"
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Ladies, let go of your petty
 
complaints and let's work together.
 
 
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
 
 
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
 
Princesses follow.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' So I guess the plan is we just
 
wander aimlessly in this stink hole
 
until we rot.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' No, we're gonna get inside and find
 
out what Charming's up to.
 
 
''' DORIS
 
''' I know he's a jerk and everything,
 
but I gotta admit, that Charming
 
makes me hotter than July.
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' Ew!
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Ugh.
 
 
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' That's it!
 
 
Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
 
and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
 
 
 
''' EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
 
outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
 
a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
 
set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
 
 
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
 
 
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
 
Princesses to follow her.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
 
 
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Come on, this way!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Rapunzel. Wait!
 
 
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
 
sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
 
the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
 
arm.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Charming, let go of her.
 
 
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
 
 
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' But why would I want to do that?
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Grrrr!
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Woof!
 
 
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
 
kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' What?
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
 
of Far Far Away.
 
 
Cinderella claps excitedly.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Yaaaaaaaaay!
 
 
The Princesses stare her down.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Rapunzel, how could you?
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' Jealous much?
 
 
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Soon you'll be back where you
 
started... scrubbing floors or
 
locked away in towers; that is, if
 
I let you last the week.
 
 
''' RAPUNZEL
 
''' But Pooky, you promised you
 
wouldn't hurt them!
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
 
will discuss it later. Now forgive
 
us, we have a show to put on.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Shrek will be back soon Charming,
 
and you'll be sorry.
 
 
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Sorry? Don't you realize --once
 
Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
 
he's doomed?
 
 
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
 
apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
 
 
The guards march them off.
 
 
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
 
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
 
'''
 
Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
 
looking around. He realizes it's morning.
 
 
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
 
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
 
 
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
 
everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
 
everyone.
 
 
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
 
 
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
 
Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Ow!
 
 
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
 
wakes up.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ahhh!
 
 
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
 
trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
 
 
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
 
away from his keys and faces them.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Look out! They've got a piano!
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
 
 
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' King Charming has something special
 
in mind for you, ogre.
 
 
Shrek is perplexed.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' "King Charming?"
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Attack!
 
 
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
 
 
''' PIRATES
 
'''''' AAAARGH!
 
'''
 
One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
 
 
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
 
side.
 
 
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Artie, Duck!
 
 
Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses
 
him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
 
Artie above his head.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
 
 
 
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
 
the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
 
 
A pirate charges Donkey.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ahhh!
 
 
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
 
protecting Donkey.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Ha-ha! Argh!
 
 
''' PIRATES
 
''' Argh! Argh!
 
 
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
 
happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
 
rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
 
 
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
 
pirate bounces off Shrek's belly.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Ready the plank!
 
 
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
 
"plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
 
 
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
 
is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
 
waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
 
lid on him.
 
 
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
 
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
 
Donkey and Artie up in a net.
 
 
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
 
starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
 
through the netting.
 
 
The cannon fuse is lit.
 
 
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
 
chest still stuck to his behind.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Shrek!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Help!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
 
 
 
 
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
 
grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
 
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
 
catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
 
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
 
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it
 
into pieces.
 
 
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
 
holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
 
take off running.
 
 
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
 
his hook in the air.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Ya cowards!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What has Charming done with Fiona?
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' She's gonna get what's coming to
 
her.
 
 
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
 
Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
 
Villains.
 
 
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
 
''' Ahhh.
 
''' (YELLING BACK)
 
''' And there ain't nothing you can do
 
to stop him!
 
 
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
 
him now.
 
 
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' We've got to save her!
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' But she's so far far away!
 
 
Shrek thinks for a moment.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Get yourself back to
 
Worcestershire, kid.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've
 
got an idea.
 
 
 
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
 
approaches him.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
'''''' (CHANTING)
 
''' I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
 
buzz...
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
 
get them...I mean, us, back to Far
 
Far Away.
 
 
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
 
eye at Artie.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
'''''' (GETTING UP)
 
''' Forget it. I don't have that kind
 
of magic in me anymore, kid. How
 
about a hug instead? Hmm? That's
 
the best kind of magic.
 
 
Artie tries a new approach.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
 
''' DO IT-
 
'''
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' I said, forget it!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
'''''' BUT-
 
'''
 
Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
 
breath.
 
 
''' MERLIN (CONT'D)
 
''' Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
 
healing. Mumble, mumble.
 
 
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
 
to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
 
 
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Oh. What, what's with you?
 
 
Artie continues to cry.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' It's just so hard. You know? They
 
really need to get back `cause
 
their kingdom's in trouble `cause
 
there's a really bad man and it's
 
just so hard...
 
 
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' C'mon, take it easy.
 
 
Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' No! I don't think you understand!
 
There's a mean person doing mean
 
things to good people-
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oh, have a heart old man!
 
 
Artie grabs him, now desperate.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' And they really need your help to
 
get them back! So why won't you
 
help them?
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Oh.
 
 
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
 
 
Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my
 
things.
 
 
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
 
Shrek is impressed.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Piece of cake.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well, well, well. You want some
 
eggs with that ham?
 
 
Shrek smiles.
 
 
Merlin returns holding a spell book.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Now, I am a little rusty, so there
 
could be some side effects.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Side effects!?
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Don't worry, whatever it is, no
 
matter how excruciatingly painful
 
it may be, it'll wear off
 
eventually... I think.
 
 
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
 
his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Ah!
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Oops.
 
 
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Are you sure this is a good idea?
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Look, if Artie trusts him, that's
 
good enough for me. Even if his
 
robe doesn't quite cover his-
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
 
zoom zoom. Let's help our friends
 
get back, um... soon!
 
 
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss,
 
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
 
 
''' MERLIN
 
''' Woah! It worked!
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
 
 
 
 
 
''' EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
 
canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
 
foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (moan and groan)
 
 
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
 
 
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Oh man, I haven't been on a trip
 
like that since college.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Donkey?
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
What? Is there something in my
 
teeth?
 
 
Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
 
Puss' body.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Huh? What the?
 
''' (GASP)
 
''' Oh no!
 
 
Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at
 
Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
I've been abracadabra'd into a
 
fancy feasting second rate
 
sidekick.
 
 
Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
 
Puss' body).
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
At least you don't look like some
 
kind of bloated roadside piñata.
 
You really should think about going
 
on a diet!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Yeah, and you should think about
 
getting yourself a pair of pants!
 
I feel all exposed and nasty.
 
 
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
 
to their faces. They burst out laughing.
 
 
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Oh, so you two think this is funny?
 
 
Puss is fuming.
 
 
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
'''''' (SNICKERS)
 
''' I'm really sorry guys.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Don't be! You got us back kid.
 
 
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
 
them. He turns back to Artie.
 
 
Artie smiles.
 
 
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
 
Hans Christian Andersen am I
 
supposed to parade around in these
 
goofy boots?
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' Be very careful with those - HEE
 
''' HAW!
 
'''
 
Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' They were made in Madrid by the
 
finest- HEE HAW!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Oh, you'll learn to control that.
 
 
''' TIME CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
 
'''
 
Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome
 
sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
 
"Go Go Away."
 
 
Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new
 
feet hurt in their tiny boots.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Seriously man, you need some
 
comfort inserts or arch supports or
 
something.
 
(noticing Rodeo Drive)
 
Woah!
 
 
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
 
everywhere.
 
 
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
 
Rodeo Drive.
 
 
''' EVIL WITCHES
 
''' Woohoo!!
 
 
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
 
Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
 
street.
 
 
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
 
 
A crash is heard off-screen.
 
 
''' EVIL DWARF #1
 
''' Hey... watch it I'm walking here...
 
and I'm gonna keep going...
 
 
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
 
Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
 
 
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
 
Pinocchio dancing in it.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Pinocchio?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
 
 
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' Shrek!
 
 
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
 
on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Pinocchio!
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' Help me!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' What's happened?
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' Charming and the Villains have
 
taken over everything! They
 
attacked us but Fiona and the
 
Princesses got away. And now she's-
 
''' -
 
'''
 
The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
 
goes down.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' She's what?! She's what!?
 
 
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
 
costs per show.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' (turns to Puss in Donkey's
 
''' BODY)
 
''' Puss, loan me five bucks!
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help
 
a brother out.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
Do you see any pockets on me?
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Hold on a second.
 
 
Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
 
a bag of money falls onto the ground.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Aha!
 
 
Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
I had no idea ...really ...I swear.
 
 
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
 
starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
 
 
''' PINOCCHIO
 
''' Charming's got her locked away some
 
place secret. You gotta find him!
 
He's probably getting ready for the
 
''' SHOWWWW---
 
'''
 
The curtain goes down again.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
 
show?
 
 
Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points
 
to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (reading the poster)
 
It's A Happily Ever After, After
 
All!
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Shrek's final performance.
 
 
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
 
foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
 
ground.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us
 
you were in a play.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well I guess I've been so busy I
 
forgot to mention it!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
 
 
 
 
''' GUARD #1 (O.S.)
 
''' It's the ogre! Get him!
 
 
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal
 
knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
 
alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
Don't worry, Jefe. I got this.
 
 
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
 
large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
 
hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're
 
staring at a donkey.
 
 
The guards recoil.
 
 
''' GUARD #2
 
''' Ugh! Kill it!
 
 
Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats.
 
 
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
 
forward, confronting the guards.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Look, don't you know who he thinks
 
he is? How dare you?
 
 
Shrek picks up on his plan.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Donkey, we're dealing with
 
amateurs.
 
 
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
 
wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
 
poster off the wall.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so
 
sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I'm gonna lose it!
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' I assume you have everything ready
 
for tonight! You did get the list
 
for the dressing room?
 
 
Donkey marches in.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Yeah, the breakfast croissants
 
stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
 
Oh, and please tell me you at least
 
have the saffron corn with the
 
jalapeno honey butter cause our
 
client cannot get into his proper
 
emotional state without his
 
jalapeno honey butter.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' I just lost it!
 
 
''' GUARD #1
 
''' Uh...Maybe they should talk to
 
Nancy in Human Resources.
 
 
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
 
castle.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
Oh, we'll have much to say to
 
Nancy, I promise!
 
 
The guards look at each other nervously.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
 
'''
 
A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
 
number.
 
 
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
 
in the rear of the stage.
 
 
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
 
a Shrek stand in.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' (reading his lines from a
 
''' SCRIPT)
 
''' With this sword, I do- No.
 
 
He starts the line over.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' With this sword, I do smote thee!
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
 
 
 
 
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
 
falls to the ground.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
'''''' (TO HIMSELF) )
 
''' Is that the right word? "Smote?"
 
"Smooote." Is that even a word
 
actually? Maybe I should just
 
smite him.
 
 
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Let's try this again. Now...
 
 
 
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
 
Prince Charming.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' (playing the scene out
 
''' QUIETLY)
 
''' Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
 
afraid.
 
(he fake screams)
 
Ooh!!!
 
 
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
 
chuckles.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' I say...
 
(he riffles through pages)
 
"Finally the Kingdom will get the
 
happily ever after they deserve,
 
die Ogre", blah, blah, blah...
 
 
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
 
Prince Charming is still frustrated.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Oh! It just doesn't feel real
 
enough yet!
 
 
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
 
dancing villains who are staring at him.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Who told you to stop dancing?!
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
 
 
 
 
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' And what are you laying around for?
 
Get up! Honestly.
 
 
Prince Charming storms off.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
 
'''
 
Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
 
room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
 
and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
 
 
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
 
of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
 
his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Our happily ever after is nearly
 
complete, mummy. And I assure you,
 
the people of this kingdom will pay
 
dearly for every second we've had
 
to wait.
 
 
 
 
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
 
standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
 
side him.
 
 
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Break a leg. Or, on second
 
thought, let me break it for you.
 
 
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
 
dressing table.
 
 
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
 
under the counter.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Thank goodness you're here. I was
 
beginning to think you might not
 
make it back in... time.
 
 
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
 
 
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Where's Fiona?
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Don't worry. She and the others
 
are safe. For now.
 
 
Shrek strengthens his grip.
 
 
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
 
surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Ow.
 
 
Prince Charming smiles.
 
 
Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming
 
with a thud.
 
 
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
 
Shrek.
 
 
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
 
his face.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' Let me guess... Arthur?
 
 
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' It's Artie, actually.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' This boy is supposed to be the new
 
King of Far Far Away?
 
 
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
 
Artie's neck.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
 
won't make a mess.
 
 
Shrek steps in.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Charming, stop! I'm here now, you
 
got what you wanted. This isn't
 
about him.
 
 
Artie is confused.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
 
 
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' Then who's it about? I'm supposed
 
to be King, right?
 
 
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You weren't really next in line for
 
the throne, okay? I was.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' But you said the King asked for me
 
personally.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Not exactly.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' What's that supposed to mean?
 
 
 
Shrek becomes defensive.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Look, I said whatever I had to say,
 
alright! I wasn't right for the
 
job, I just needed some fool to
 
replace me, and you fit the bill.
 
So just go!
 
 
Artie is stunned.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' You were playing me the whole time.
 
 
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' You catch on real fast kid... Maybe
 
you're not as big of a loser as I
 
thought.
 
 
Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
 
Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
 
 
''' ARTIE
 
''' You know, for a minute there, I
 
actually thought you -
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' What? That he cared about you? He's
 
an ogre. What did you expect?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
 
 
 
 
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
 
stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
 
 
Shrek lowers his head in shame.
 
 
''' PRINCE CHARMING
 
''' You really do have a way with
 
children, Shrek.
 
 
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
 
 
 
''' INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM:
 
'''
 
Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
 
 
 
''' EXT. CASTLE GATE:
 
'''
 
The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away
 
from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
 
storms away.
 
 
 
''' INT. DUNGEON:
 
'''
 
Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
 
chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
 
 
 
''' INT. PRISON:
 
'''
 
The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
 
comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
 
sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
 
 
 
''' INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
 
'''
 
All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
 
the same prison cell.
 
 
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
 
shine.
 
 
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
 
distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Had we just stayed put like I
 
suggested, we could be sipping tea
 
out of little heart-shaped cups...
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
 
 
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Eating crumpets smothered with
 
loganberries.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Yeah... loganberries.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Shut up Cindy.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Yeah, shut up.
 
 
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
 
''' No! You shut up!
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' Just stay out of this!
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Who cares who's running the kingdom
 
anyway?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' I care.
 
 
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' And you should all care too.
 
 
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
 
other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
 
them.
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Yeah, and I have your badge number,
 
''' "TIN CAN-"
 
'''
 
Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a
 
cat.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
 
 
 
 
''' FIONA (O.S.)
 
''' Donkey?!
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
Princess?!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Puss?!
 
 
''' PUSS
 
''' (in Donkey's body)
 
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
 
Puss, stuck here inside this
 
hideous body.
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
And I'm me!
 
 
''' FIONA
 
'''''' BUT YOU'RE-
 
'''
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' (in Puss' body)
 
I know, I know. Everything's a
 
little fruity in the loops right
 
now. But what happened is, we went
 
to high school, the boat crashed,
 
and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
 
by the "Magic Man."
 
 
''' DORIS
 
''' You poor sweet things.
 
 
''' CINDERELLA
 
''' I don't get it.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' The cat turned into a little horse
 
that smells like feet. What's to
 
get?
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
'''''' (WAKING UP)
 
''' Huh? Who dat?
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Where's Shrek?
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
 
 
 
 
''' DONKEY
 
''' Charming's got him, Princess. And
 
he plans on killing Shrek tonight
 
in front of the whole kingdom.
 
 
Fiona's lets out a breath.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Alright everyone, we need to find a
 
way out, now.
 
 
The Princesses nod in agreement.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' You're right.
 
(to the other Princesses)
 
Ladies, assume the position!
 
 
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
 
assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
 
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' What are you doing?
 
 
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
 
''' Waiting to be rescued.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' You have got to be kidding me.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Well, what do you expect us to do?
 
We're just four...
 
''' (NOTICES DORIS)
 
''' I mean, three, super hot
 
princesses, two circus freaks, a
 
pregnant ogre and an old lady.
 
 
The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
 
through.
 
 
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
 
lets out a yell.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
 
 
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
 
and the Princesses are impressed.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
 
 
 
 
''' PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
 
''' Whoa.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Mom!?
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Well, you didn't actually think you
 
got your fighting skills from your
 
father, did you?
 
 
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
 
 
Snow White points to another wall behind them.
 
 
''' SNOW WHITE
 
''' Excuse me, I think there's still
 
one more.
 
 
The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Hmmmm.
 
 
The Queen hurries to the other wall.
 
 
''' QUEEN
 
''' Hiiiiyah!
 
 
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
 
 
Fiona approaches her mother.
 
 
The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
 
softly to herself.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Why don't you just lie down?
 
 
The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
 
 
Fiona turns to the others.
 
 
''' FIONA
 
''' Okay girls, from here on out, we're
 
gonna take care of business
 
ourselves.
 
 
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
 
Princesses. They nod.
 
 
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
 
Dopey tattoo.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
 
 
 
 
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
 
 
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
 
football player).
 
 
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
 
 
Doris burns her bra.
 
 
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and
 
Donkey's hands come in last.
 
 
''' CUT TO:
 
'''
 
 
''' EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
 
'''
 
Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
 
taps it on the score in front of him.
 
 
''' ANNOUNCER
 
''' Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
 
Away Theatre at the Charming
 
Pavilion is proud to present: "It's
 
a Happily Ever After, After All."
 
 
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a
 
Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
 
himself."
 
 
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
 
and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
 
 
''' EVIL KNIGHT #1
 
''' Enjoy your evening of theatrical
 
reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
 
beverages in the theatre! Hey!
 
 
The orchestra begins to warm up.
 
 
 
''' EXT. STAGE
 
'''
 
The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
 
stage to backstage.
 
 
 
''' INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
 
'''
 
SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
 
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
 
attached to the floor.
 
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
 
 
 
 
He pulls the chains tight.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Oww, easy.
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Sorry. I guess I was just showing
 
off for the little one.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Huh?
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' It's "Bring your kids to work day."
 
C'mere beautiful.
 
 
Cyclops motions to the shadows.
 
 
CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
 
Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
 
 
Shrek recoils.
 
 
''' SHREK
 
''' Well... she's got your eye.
 
 
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
 
 
''' CYCLOPS
 
''' Who woulda thought a monster like
 
me deserves something as special as
 
you?
 
 
They touch foreheads affectionately.
 
 
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
 
look on his face.