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m (Reverted edits by Yoyoyojhuo (talk) to last version by ThatRetro)
(Plot)
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== Plot ==
 
== Plot ==
The book begins with a message from [[R. L. Stine]]. He welcomes the reader to his office and starts to talk about the wanted posters on the walls. You are studying the poster of [[Mrs. Maaargh]], the Creature Teacher. R.L. Stine tells you that that a boy named [[Tommy Farrelly]] can tell you all about her. He tells you you'll soon find out why she is MOST WANTED...
+
A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light
+
descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince
Tommy is twelve years old, and for his summer vacation he's going to Winner Island Camp. This is not how Tommy wants to spend his summer, but in his family, everybody is extremely competitive. It's always about who's the fastest, strongest smartest, luckiest. Tommy likes to take it easy but his family wants him to see the world the way they do so they're sending him to Winner Island Camp to make him a winner.
+
Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open
+
plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.
Tommy and his family go to a restaurant called Andy's Fish Shack. There's a dock near the restaurant where a ship will come to bring Tommy to the camp. At the restaurant, Tommy's family has a few pointless competitions over who can eat the fastest, get to the table fastest, who has the biggest breakfast, etc. Tommy's mother takes out a brochure for the camp with a note from the Director, Uncle Felix. The note reads: When you arrive, you are a LOSER. But losers NEVER leave Winner Island.
+
+
''' PRINCE CHARMING
Tommy is a little freaked out by the note. Their food soon arrives and the whole family puts hot sauce on it except for Tommy. They apparently put hot sauce on everything. A man named Jared soon comes to pick Tommy up. He is only picking Tommy up because the camp already started and he's late. On the boat he finds more brochures that have similar messages as that of the first one. Tommy soon gets to the island and Jared tells Tommy he hopes he see him on the way back. This also freaks Tommy out. A counselor named Robb greets Tommy and takes his bags. Tommy sees a group of kids fighting each other and the counselors just watching. Robb tells him those are just their morning warm-ups.
+
''' Onward Chauncey, to the highest
+
room of the tallest tower! Where
Robb tells Tommy that Uncle Felix may want to talk with him. He directs Tommy to his office and promises he'll take Tommy's bag to his cabin. There's a sign on his office door reading: DO NOT KNOCK. Tommy listens to the sign and fails a "test". Apparently, a winner would have ignored the sign. He eventually lets Tommy in and asks him if he met the Teacher. He says no. Uncle Felix tells Tommy he can report to Cabin J. Tommy thought he was going to cabin 12 and it is then revealed that Robb isn't a counselor. All of the cabins are actually numbered and Robb robbed him of his belongings. Uncle Felix tells Tommy that was his first lesson: never trust anybody.
+
my princess awaits rescue from her
+
handsome Prince Charming.
Tommy leaves his office and wanders around the camp in an attempt to find Cabin J. While he's wandering, he meets a girl named Sophie. He asks if she knows where Cabin J is. She tells Tommy that there is no Cabin J; the cabins are all numbered. Sophie tells Tommy about The Teacher. The Teacher, she says, is a monster named Mrs. Maaargh. Mrs. Maaargh eats the worst loser. She showed up on the island one day and Uncle Felix couldn't do anything about it. He promised her she could eat one camper. Tommy doesn't believe her and thinks that she's trying to pull a joke on the new kid. She angrily storms off when Tommy doesn't believe her and says she'll eat him for coming to camp late. Tommy finds Cabin 12 and is drenched with water by a kid named Ricardo. They're bunk mates. He apologizes for he thought Tommy was kid from Cabin 10 he was having a war with. Ricardo tells Tommy he had his stuff stolen as well by a guy named Steele.
+
+
Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a
Suddenly Sophie runs into their cabin in a panic. She tells them that Mrs. Maargh had decided to eat Tommy right away instead of at the end of camp. Ricardo starts to panic but Tommy still thinks it's a joke. Against Sophie and Ricardo's advice, Tommy goes off to face the"imaginary" Mrs. Maaargh. Along the way, Tommy sees everybody running away because Mrs. Maaargh was letting a wolf out. Tommy still doesn't believe and goes into her office. Tommy finds Mrs. Maaargh, who does look like a monster. Tommy thinks her ugly, monster face is a mask and tries to pull it off. Tommy is horrified when he realizes it's not a mask, it's her face! She screams in pain and rage. Tommy tells her he's sorry and did it because he didn't believe in monsters. This makes her more angry. She tells Tommy that she eats the loser at the bottom of her chart, and Tommy had just sunk to the bottom of her chart.
+
wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a
+
bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another
Mrs. Maaargh then tells Tommy he had to be punished for hurting her face. She gives him a spoon and tells him to pick her nose with it for her. Tommy refuses to do so and he runs out of her office. Tommy runs to the island's dock where the boat that took him there is parked. When he gets there, a snake attacks him. Then, Uncle Felix catches him and takes him back to Mrs. Maaargh's class.
+
stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background.
+
In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound
Whenever Tommy tries to escape, he is caught. He finds himself at the bottom of her chart for most of the time. He ultimately loses and Mrs. Maaargh prepares to eat him. But he has one last thing to fight her off with. A bottle of hot sauce. Tommy squirts it at her and it's so hot that she jumps off the island and into the water. Mrs. Maaargh leaves and never comes back.
+
effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back
+
stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and
For a while, all of the kids and camp counselors are happy. They all party for a few days because Mrs. Maaargh is gone. Then, a monster with two heads comes to the island. He says his name is Mr. Baaargh and that Camp Winner will continue as normal. Mr. Baaargh pulls out a chart telling the kids to keep on eye on the chart, because at the end of camp, he plans to eat two of them.
+
lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front
  +
of a cheaply painted backdrop.
  +
  +
The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the
  +
audience.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' This is worse than Love Letters! I
  +
hate dinner theatre.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Me too.
  +
  +
Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie.
  +
  +
Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Whoa there, Chauncey!
  +
  +
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He
  +
strikes a dramatic pose.
  +
  +
A Princess leans from a tower window.
  +
  +
''' ACTRESS
  +
''' Hark! The brave Prince Charming
  +
approach-ith.
  +
  +
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay
  +
the monster that guards you and
  +
take my place as rightful King.
  +
  +
An old couple at a table look confused.
  +
  +
''' OLD LADY
  +
''' (to old man)
  +
What did she say?
  +
  +
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores
  +
him.
  +
  +
A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
  +
  +
''' OGRE
  +
''' Grrrrrrr!
  +
  +
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures
  +
cheer.
  +
  +
''' FAIRYTALE CREATURES
  +
'''''' (CHEERING)
  +
''' Woooo hoooo!!!
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' Yea! Shrek!
  +
  +
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the
  +
Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the
  +
monster.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Prepare foul beast to enter into a
  +
world of pain with which you are
  +
not familiar!
  +
  +
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
  +
  +
''' WAITER
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' Happy Birthday to thee.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Do you mind?
  +
  +
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on
  +
stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' Do you mind? Bo-ring!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
  +
  +
  +
  +
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then
  +
tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again.
  +
The tower facade starts to topple.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
'''''' (CLEARS THROAT)
  +
''' Prepare foul beast-
  +
  +
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade
  +
falling. He cringes.
  +
  +
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is
  +
unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The
  +
crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes
  +
his mangled sword at the audience.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' (shaking his sword again)
  +
Someday you'll be sorry.
  +
  +
''' HECKLER
  +
'''''' (O.S.)
  +
''' We already are!
  +
  +
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword,
  +
picks up his hobby horse and exits.
  +
  +
''' OGRE
  +
''' Grrrrrrr!
  +
  +
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
  +
'''
  +
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads
  +
to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it.
  +
He opens it.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-
  +
shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
  +
  +
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far
  +
Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince
  +
Charming breaks down and cries.
  +
  +
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped
  +
to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel"
  +
is written on the picture.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
'''''' (HEAVY SOBS)
  +
''' Oh mommy.
  +
  +
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A
  +
determined change grows across his face.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Oh, you're right. I can't let this
  +
happen. I can't.
  +
  +
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His
  +
expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He
  +
holds his chin up high.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' I am the rightful King of Far Far
  +
Away and I promise you this mother.
  +
I will restore dignity to my
  +
throne!
  +
  +
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face.
  +
He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense
  +
and narrow.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
  +
''' And this time, no one will stand in
  +
my way!
  +
  +
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a
  +
crowd.
  +
  +
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
  +
'''
  +
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun
  +
rises and the birds sing.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans
  +
over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Good morning.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Good morning.
  +
''' (DREAMY)
  +
''' Oh... morning breath...
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (DREAMY)
  +
''' I know. Isn't it wonderful?
  +
  +
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush
  +
in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek
  +
cowers beneath the bedclothes.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Good morning! Good morning!"
  +
  +
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys
  +
exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
  +
  +
Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain
  +
as he enters the room.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "The sun is shining through! Good
  +
morning! Good morning.
  +
(coming closer and closer
  +
''' TO SHREK)
  +
''' "To you!"
  +
''' (TO SHREK)
  +
''' "And you!"
  +
''' (TO DRONKEY)
  +
''' And you!
  +
  +
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in
  +
their path.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Oh, they grow up so fast.
  +
  +
Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a
  +
little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Not fast enough.
  +
  +
Puss leaps onto the bed.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Okay. You have a very full day
  +
filling in for the King and Queen.
  +
There are several functions that
  +
require your attendance, sir.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Great! Let's get started.
  +
  +
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
  +
starts to snore.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' C'mon, lazy bones, time to get
  +
movin'!
  +
  +
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
  +
surprised to see Shrek's bare legs.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Aaahhh! You know you really need
  +
to get yourself a pair of jammies.
  +
  +
Shrek sighs.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
  +
"Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
  +
title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
  +
  +
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
  +
walks down the aisle of the church.
  +
  +
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
  +
  +
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea
  +
what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
  +
indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
  +
starts to knight the knight.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I knight thee...
  +
  +
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' He-he. Ooh.
  +
  +
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
  +
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
  +
Navy.
  +
  +
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
  +
boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
  +
the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
  +
side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
  +
  +
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
  +
heads as they leave.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
  +
Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
  +
them.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Well, since you're filling in for
  +
one, you might as well look like a
  +
real King. Can somebody come in
  +
here and work on Shrek please?
  +
  +
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
  +
  +
''' RAUL
  +
'''''' (AHEM)
  +
''' I will see what I can do.
  +
  +
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
  +
  +
Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
  +
  +
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
  +
cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
  +
turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
  +
away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
  +
  +
We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into
  +
frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash.
  +
  +
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Ow!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
  +
reveal that the lips are Shrek's.
  +
  +
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps
  +
snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
  +
tighten up the zipper all the way.
  +
  +
A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn,
  +
Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
  +
  +
A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is
  +
tightened.
  +
  +
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's
  +
belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
  +
'''
  +
REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
  +
Renaissance outfits.
  +
  +
Donkey gasps.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Oh!
  +
  +
Puss rolls his eyes.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Yeah, wow.
  +
  +
Fiona is uncomfortable.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Uh, is this really necessary?
  +
  +
''' RAUL
  +
'''''' (TO SHREK)
  +
''' Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I'm Shrek, you twit.
  +
  +
''' RAUL
  +
''' Whatever.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Okay peoples! This isn't a
  +
rehearsal. Let's see some hustle.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Smiles everyone, smiles!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
  +
arriving at the party.
  +
  +
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I don't know how much longer I can
  +
keep this up Fiona.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please
  +
just try to grin and bear it? It's
  +
just until Dad gets better.
  +
  +
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' You look handsome.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ah. Come here, you.
  +
  +
She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
  +
back.
  +
  +
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
  +
their bulky outfits prevent it.
  +
  +
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
  +
and I can't reach it in this monkey
  +
suit!
  +
  +
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh.
  +
''' (WHISTLE)
  +
''' Hey you. Come here!
  +
  +
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What's your name?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' FIDDLESWORTH
  +
''' Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
  +
  +
''' MASTER OF CEREMONIES
  +
''' Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
  +
Fiona and Sir Shrek!
  +
  +
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
  +
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You've done it. Oh, a little over
  +
to the left, yeah. That's great.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Uh Shrek?
  +
  +
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd
  +
looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh
  +
yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it!
  +
Oh that's good!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
  +
got it. You're on it. That's
  +
great!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' SHREK!
  +
'''
  +
Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
  +
freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
  +
  +
Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
  +
eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ow!! My eye! My eye!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
  +
  +
  +
  +
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
  +
  +
''' WOMAN
  +
''' What are you doing?
  +
  +
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
  +
guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
  +
axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
  +
axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
  +
maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
  +
vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
  +
  +
Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
  +
Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
  +
pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Fiona!
  +
  +
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
  +
stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
  +
through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
  +
trapping him.
  +
  +
''' FIDDLESWORTH
  +
''' Uhhh...
  +
''' (WIMPER)
  +
'''
  +
Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Are you okay?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Yeah. I'm fine.
  +
  +
Fiona's eyes suddenly widen.
  +
  +
Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
  +
carrying flaming skewers.
  +
  +
''' FIDDLESWORTH
  +
''' Ahhhh!
  +
  +
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
  +
with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
  +
land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
  +
the skewers out and takes a bite.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
  +
  +
  +
  +
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
  +
ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
  +
  +
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
  +
slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
  +
  +
''' CRASH! BANG!
  +
'''
  +
''' CUT TO BLACK:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
  +
'''
  +
The door to Fiona's room flies open.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' That's it! We're leaving!
  +
  +
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Honey, please calm down...
  +
  +
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Calm down? Who do you think we're
  +
kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut
  +
out for this, Fiona and I never
  +
will be.
  +
  +
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
  +
his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
  +
Donkey.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' I think that went pretty well.
  +
  +
Shrek startles.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Donkey!
  +
  +
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Aww, come on now Shrek!
  +
  +
Shrek slams the door shut.
  +
  +
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
  +
his pillow.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Some people just don't understand
  +
boundaries.
  +
  +
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
  +
outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
  +
ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
  +
blinds.
  +
  +
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
  +
to calm him down.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Just think... a couple more days,
  +
and we'll be back home in our
  +
vermin-filled shack, strewn with
  +
fungus, filled with the rotting
  +
stench of mud and neglect.
  +
  +
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
  +
and exhales. He smiles.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' And, uh... maybe even the pitter-
  +
patter of little feet on the
  +
floor...?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (LAUGHS)
  +
''' That's right. The swamp rats will
  +
be spawning.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Uh, no... you know, what I was
  +
thinking of is a little bit bigger
  +
than a swamp rat.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Donkey?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' No, Shrek. Um... what if -
  +
''' THEORETICALLY -
  +
'''
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' They were little ogre feet?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh.
  +
''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
  +
'''
  +
Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
  +
  +
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Honey? Let's try and be rational
  +
about this. Have you seen a baby
  +
lately? They just eat and poop and
  +
they cry and then they cry when
  +
they poop and they poop when they
  +
cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby.
  +
They extra cry and they extra poop.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek.
  +
  +
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Don't you ever think about having a
  +
family?
  +
  +
Shrek takes her hand.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Right now, you're my family.
  +
  +
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
  +
revealing a Royal Page.
  +
  +
Shrek springs up.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well, somebody better be dying.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
  +
'''
  +
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's
  +
bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' I'm dying.
  +
  +
The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit.
  +
Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen
  +
comes to the King's aid and he settles down.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Harold.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' Don't forget to pay the gardener,
  +
Lillian.
  +
  +
The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Of course darling.
  +
  +
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' Fiona...
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Yes Daddy?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' I know I've made many mistakes with
  +
you.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' It's okay.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' But your love for Shrek has taught
  +
me so much.
  +
  +
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' My dear boy, I am proud to call you
  +
my son.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' And I'm proud to call you my
  +
Frog... King Dad in-law.
  +
  +
Shrek smiles.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' Now, there is a matter of business
  +
to attend tooo...
  +
  +
The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops.
  +
They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' The Frog King is dead.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (TO PUSS)
  +
''' Put your hat back on, fool.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' Shrek, please come hither.
  +
  +
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah, Dad?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' This Kingdom needs a new king. You
  +
and Fiona are next in line for the
  +
throne.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ooo. Next in line. Now you see
  +
Dad, that's why people love you.
  +
Even on your deathbed you're still
  +
making jokes.
  +
  +
The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in
  +
closer.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King?
  +
I don't think that's such a good
  +
idea. There's got to be somebody
  +
else. Anybody?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' Aside from you there is only one
  +
remaining heir.
  +
  +
Shrek brightens.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Really!? Who is he, Dad?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' His name is... is... is...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What's his name? What's his name?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' ...is ...
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in
  +
anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Daddy!
  +
  +
The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies
  +
away.
  +
  +
Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame.
  +
A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
''' (chewing the fly)
  +
His name is Arthur.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Arthur?
  +
  +
''' KING HAROLD
  +
'''''' (COUGH)
  +
''' I know you'll do what's...
  +
''' (EXHALING)
  +
''' riiiight...
  +
  +
He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Harold!?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Dad? Dad? Dad?
  +
  +
Donkey bows his head.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Do your thing, man.
  +
  +
Puss takes his hat off.
  +
  +
Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's
  +
request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
  +
  +
We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
  +
to let the King's passing sink in.
  +
  +
''' DISSOLVE TO:
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
  +
the shops on Rodeo Drive.
  +
  +
''' DISSOLVE TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
  +
flag is lowered to half-masked.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. POND - LATER
  +
'''
  +
Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
  +
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
  +
for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
  +
Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
  +
into the water.
  +
  +
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
  +
pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
  +
"Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
  +
Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
  +
  +
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
  +
  +
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
  +
Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
  +
sadly gazes at the pond.
  +
  +
''' DISSOLVE TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
  +
horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
  +
hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
  +
rides off.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
  +
'''
  +
Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
  +
top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
  +
and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
  +
over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
  +
microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
  +
"I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
  +
  +
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
  +
pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
  +
takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
  +
of empty beer mugs.
  +
  +
Prince Charming enters the bar.
  +
  +
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
  +
mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
  +
the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
  +
  +
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
  +
adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
  +
Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
  +
notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
  +
Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
  +
glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks
  +
by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
  +
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
  +
the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck.
  +
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
  +
bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
  +
and sits.
  +
  +
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
  +
clears his throat.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' What does a Prince have to do to
  +
get a drink around here?
  +
  +
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
  +
with a smiling beer wench.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
  +
stepsister I'll never know.
  +
  +
He winks at her. She glares at him.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Where's Doris, taking the night
  +
off?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MABEL
  +
''' She's not welcome here and neither
  +
are you.
  +
  +
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
  +
  +
''' MABEL (CONT'D)
  +
''' What do you want, Charming?
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Oh not much, just a chance at
  +
redemption...
  +
''' (LAUGHS)
  +
''' And a Fuzzy Navel.
  +
  +
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' And Fuzzy Navels for all my
  +
friends!
  +
  +
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
  +
singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
  +
cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' We're not your friends.
  +
  +
Prince Charming grows nervous.
  +
  +
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
  +
  +
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
  +
shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Ahh!
  +
  +
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' You don't belong here.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' You're right; oh, I mean you're
  +
absolutely right, but I mean, do
  +
any of us?
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Do a number on his face!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
  +
more alike than you think.
  +
  +
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
  +
saved Snow White and then what
  +
happened?
  +
  +
''' EVIL QUEEN
  +
''' Oh, what's it to you?
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' They left you the un-fairest of
  +
them all. And now here you are,
  +
hustling pool to get your next
  +
meal. How does that feel?
  +
  +
''' EVIL QUEEN
  +
''' Pretty unfair.
  +
  +
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' And you? Your star puppet abandons
  +
the show to go and find his father.
  +
  +
''' PUPPET MASTER
  +
''' I hate that little wooden puppet.
  +
  +
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' And Hook...
  +
  +
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
  +
''' ... Need I say more?
  +
  +
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' And you! Frumpypigskin.
  +
  +
''' RUMPLESTILTSKIN
  +
''' Rumplestiltskin.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Where's that first-born you were
  +
promised, hey?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
  +
  +
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Mabel, remember how you couldn't
  +
get your little fat foot into that
  +
tiny glass slipper?
  +
  +
Mabel sighs.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
  +
now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
  +
with every little last Fairy-tale
  +
Creature that has ever done you
  +
wrong.
  +
  +
Prince Charming now has everyone's attention.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Once upon a time, someone decided
  +
that we were the losers. But there
  +
are two sides to every story. And
  +
our side has not been told.
  +
  +
The crowd listens, rapt.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' So who will join me? Who wants to
  +
come out on top for once? Who
  +
wants their happily ever after?!
  +
  +
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
  +
room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
  +
ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
  +
nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
  +
'''
  +
The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
  +
  +
''' BLIND MOUSE #1
  +
''' This way gents.
  +
  +
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
  +
to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
  +
gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
  +
set off to retrieve Arthur.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
  +
  +
  +
  +
On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
  +
over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' It's out of my hands senorita, the
  +
winds of fate have blown on my
  +
destiny. But I will never forget
  +
you. You are the love of my life.
  +
  +
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
  +
  +
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
  +
''' As are you...
  +
  +
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
  +
Puss.
  +
  +
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
  +
''' And you.
  +
  +
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
  +
in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
  +
away from them and into another.
  +
  +
''' PUSS (CONT'D)
  +
''' And, uh... hi. I don't know you,
  +
but I'd like to. I gotta go.
  +
  +
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
  +
Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
  +
out a soft wail.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' I know, I know... I don't want to
  +
leave you either baby, but you know
  +
how Shrek is. The dude's lost
  +
without me.
  +
  +
She gives him an understanding smile.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' But don't worry. I'll send you
  +
airmail kisses everyday!
  +
  +
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
  +
children, holding back tears.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Alright, be strong babies! Be
  +
strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
  +
listen to Mama, alright? And
  +
Bananas, no more roastin'
  +
marshmallows on your sister's head.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ah, that's my special boy. Oh,
  +
come over here, all of you. Give
  +
your Daddy a big hug!
  +
  +
The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
  +
  +
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
  +
and the others.
  +
  +
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek, maybe you should just stay
  +
and be King.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could
  +
ever run a kingdom. That's why your
  +
cousin Arthur's the perfect choice.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' It's not that. No. It's, you
  +
see...
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' And if he gives me any trouble,
  +
I've always got persuasion and
  +
reason.
  +
(holds up his right fist)
  +
Here's persuasion,
  +
(holds up his left fist)
  +
and here's reason.
  +
  +
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you
  +
and me and our swamp.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' (HESITANT)
  +
''' It's not going to be just you and
  +
me.
  +
  +
The ship's fog horn sounds.
  +
  +
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
  +
''' All aboard!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' It will be. I promise. I love
  +
you.
  +
  +
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
  +
  +
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
  +
  +
The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
  +
Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
  +
  +
''' FAIRYTALE CREATURES
  +
''' Awwwwwwwww!
  +
  +
''' PIG #1
  +
''' That's lovely.
  +
  +
Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Bye bye babies!
  +
  +
Fiona runs after the boat.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek!
  +
  +
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Wait!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What is it?
  +
  +
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' I'm, I'm-
  +
  +
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
  +
smiles back at her.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (LAUGHS)
  +
''' I love you too honey!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' No... No, I said I'm pr-
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
  +
  +
  +
  +
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
  +
and throws it overboard.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You're what?!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' I said I'm pregnant!
  +
  +
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' (doesn't want to believe
  +
''' HIS EARS)
  +
''' Uh... what was that?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' You're going to be a father!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
  +
''' That's great.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Really? I'm glad you think so! I
  +
love you.
  +
  +
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah...
  +
''' (NERVOUS LAUGH)
  +
''' Me too... you...
  +
  +
Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
  +
  +
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna
  +
be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an
  +
Uncle!
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Oh, and you my friend are royally--
  +
  +
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
  +
fog.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
  +
'''
  +
The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
  +
as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
  +
  +
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ahhh. Home.
  +
  +
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
  +
outside of Shrek's swamp house.
  +
  +
He leaps off the boat.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Woohoo!
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ahh.
  +
  +
He skips and dances happily toward his house.
  +
  +
''' FIONA (O.S.)
  +
''' Shrek!?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ooo.
  +
''' (LAUGHS)
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
  +
presenting himself.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Fiona!
  +
  +
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
  +
Fiona is not there.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Fiona?
  +
  +
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
  +
behind him.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
  +
  +
  +
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
  +
slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
  +
Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
  +
innocently at him.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Huh? Oh no.
  +
  +
The baby burps.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (AMUSED)
  +
''' Better out than in, I always say.
  +
Ha ha!
  +
  +
''' OGRE BABY
  +
''' Hiccup!
  +
  +
This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
  +
directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
  +
vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
  +
eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
  +
The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his
  +
hands.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
  +
It's okay. It's gonna be alright.
  +
  +
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
  +
it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
  +
that his house is filled with babies.
  +
  +
''' OGRE BABY
  +
''' Da-Da!
  +
  +
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
  +
his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
  +
onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
  +
and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
  +
tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
  +
Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
  +
of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
  +
over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
  +
baby out of the cauldron.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
  +
No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
  +
  +
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
  +
Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
  +
through the room picking up babies.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
  +
open the curtain to his bedroom.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Huh?
  +
  +
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
  +
baby shrugs.
  +
  +
''' OGRE BABY
  +
''' Bubabatoo?
  +
  +
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
  +
Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
  +
First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
  +
Hundreds of them start piling in.
  +
  +
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
  +
runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
  +
keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
  +
shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
  +
He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
  +
high school.
  +
  +
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
  +
audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
  +
pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
  +
himself.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
  +
up!
  +
  +
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
  +
faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
  +
Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (with ogre baby head)
  +
Da-da!
  +
  +
A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
  +
Puss wake up.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Ahhhh!
  +
  +
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh... I can't believe I'm going to
  +
be a father.
  +
  +
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
  +
the ship's railing.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' How did this happen?
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Allow me to explain. You see, when
  +
a man has certain feelings for a
  +
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
  +
him...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I know how it happened. I just
  +
can't believe it.
  +
  +
Shrek walks away.
  +
  +
Donkey leans over to Puss.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' How does it happen?
  +
  +
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
  +
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' And the cat's in the cradle and the
  +
silver spoon,
  +
''' (MORE)
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
  +
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
  +
''' Little boy blue and the man in the
  +
moon.
  +
  +
Shrek rolls his eyes.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
  +
''' "When you coming home, son?" "I
  +
don't know when,
  +
But we'll get together then, Dad-"
  +
  +
Shrek cuts Donkey off.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Donkey, can you just cut to the
  +
part where you're supposed to make
  +
me feel better?
  +
  +
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
  +
and whispers into Shrek's other ear.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' You know I love Fiona, Boss.
  +
Right?
  +
''' (CONFIDENTIALLY)
  +
''' But what I'm talking about here is
  +
you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice-
  +
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
  +
weeks of nothing but fishing.
  +
  +
Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an
  +
imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
  +
whisper in Shrek's other ear.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Man, don't you listen to him.
  +
Having a baby is not going to ruin
  +
your life.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' It's not my life I'm worried about
  +
ruining. It's the kid's.
  +
  +
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I mean...when have you ever heard
  +
the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre"
  +
or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or
  +
how `bout..."you're gonna' love my
  +
dad...he's a real ogre."
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
  +
it was going to be easy. But at
  +
least you got us to help you out.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' That's true.
  +
  +
He thinks for a moment.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I'm doomed.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' You'll be fine.
  +
  +
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
  +
''' You're finished.
  +
  +
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
  +
  +
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
  +
''' Uh, with your journey.
  +
  +
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
  +
nearby bluff.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
  +
  +
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
  +
sounds fancy.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' It's Worcestershire.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's
  +
spicy!
  +
  +
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Oohh! They must be expecting us.
  +
  +
They start over the drawbridge.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
  +
  +
  +
  +
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
  +
out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
  +
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' What in the shista-shire kind of
  +
place is this?
  +
  +
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well, my stomach aches and my palms
  +
just got sweaty. Must be a high
  +
school.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' High school?!
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
A group of cheerleaders practice.
  +
  +
''' CHEERLEADERS
  +
''' Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
  +
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
  +
so, we think so! And dost thou
  +
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
  +
we thinks not! We thinks not!
  +
  +
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
  +
he walks through the courtyard.
  +
  +
''' FEMALE STUDENT #1
  +
''' Ahhhhh!
  +
  +
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
  +
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
  +
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
  +
Student Driver."
  +
  +
''' DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
  +
''' All right Mr. Percival, just ease
  +
up on the reigns-
  +
  +
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
  +
  +
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
  +
  +
''' VAN STUDENT
  +
''' (cough, cough)
  +
For lo bro, don't burn all my
  +
frankincense and myrrh.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' I'm already starting to feel
  +
nauseous from memories of wedgies
  +
and swirlies!
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' But how did you receive the wedgies
  +
when you are clearly not the wearer
  +
of the underpants?
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Let's just say some things are
  +
better left unsaid and leave it at
  +
that.
  +
  +
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' So then I was all like "I'd rather
  +
get the black plague and lock
  +
myself in an iron maiden than go
  +
out with you."
  +
  +
''' TIFFANY
  +
''' Eh, totally.
  +
  +
Shrek approaches them.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Pardon me...
  +
  +
They flee in terror.
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' Eh! Totally ew-th!
  +
  +
''' TIFFANY
  +
''' Yeah, totally!
  +
  +
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
  +
game.
  +
  +
''' GARY
  +
''' Yes! I just altered my character
  +
level to plus three superbability.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Hi, we're looking for someone named-
  +
  +
''' GARY
  +
''' Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
  +
spell and summoned the beast and
  +
his quadrupeds.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' XAVIER
  +
''' Ha! Ha!
  +
''' (SNORT)
  +
''' Ah!
  +
  +
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I know you're busy "not fitting in"
  +
but can either of you tell me where
  +
I can find Arthur?
  +
  +
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
  +
towards the athletic field.
  +
  +
''' GARY
  +
''' He's over there.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
  +
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
  +
  +
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
  +
charge. It's an exciting back and forth.
  +
  +
Hooves pound on sand.
  +
  +
The Knight's eyes steady.
  +
  +
The horse rears majestically.
  +
  +
The opponent's eyes widen in fear.
  +
  +
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
  +
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
  +
  +
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
  +
helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
  +
his victory.
  +
  +
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
  +
''' Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
  +
on thy tongue than victory!
  +
  +
''' JOCKS
  +
''' Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
  +
  +
Shrek turns to Puss.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
  +
Does Arthur look like a King or
  +
what?
  +
  +
Shrek steps forward.
  +
  +
''' TEENAGER (ARTIE)
  +
''' Ow.
  +
  +
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
  +
LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh. Sorry.
  +
  +
The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
  +
where he hit the ground.
  +
  +
''' TEENAGER (ARTIE)
  +
''' Did you just say you were looking
  +
for Arthur?
  +
  +
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' That information is on a need to
  +
know basis.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' It's top secret, hushity hush.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
  +
'''
  +
The Knight commands his troops.
  +
  +
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
  +
''' Now gentlemen let's away... to the
  +
showers!
  +
  +
''' JOCKS
  +
''' Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
  +
  +
Shrek approaches the Knight.
  +
  +
The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
  +
gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' Greetings your majesty. This is
  +
your lucky day.
  +
  +
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
  +
''' So what for like are you supposed
  +
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
  +
leprechaun or something?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
  +
leprechaun... You made a funny.
  +
  +
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
  +
ogre-style.
  +
  +
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
  +
''' Unhand me, monster!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Stop squirming, Arthur.
  +
  +
''' KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
  +
''' I'm not Arthur!
  +
  +
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
  +
tries to regain his dignity.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' I am Lancelot.
  +
  +
Lancelot points across the school yard.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' That dork over there is Arthur!
  +
  +
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
  +
school yard.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Hey!
  +
  +
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
  +
  +
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' Aaah.
  +
  +
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
  +
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' Ahem! This is like totally
  +
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
  +
thinkest thou vex her so soothly...
  +
  +
The other girls giggle.
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' And she thought perchance thou
  +
would wanna ask her to the
  +
Homecoming Dance or something...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Uh, excuse me?
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' It's like whatever. She's just
  +
totally into college guys and
  +
mythical creatures and stuff.
  +
  +
She pops her gum.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. HALLWAY - LATER
  +
'''
  +
Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
  +
wherever you are...
  +
  +
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
  +
Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
  +
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Yeah, you better run, you little
  +
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
  +
of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
  +
are over!
  +
  +
An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt.
  +
  +
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
  +
HALL MONITOR who stops them.
  +
  +
''' HALL MONITOR
  +
'''
  +
Hold it...
  +
  +
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' COSTUME STUDENT 1
  +
''' We're here for the Mascot Contest.
  +
  +
''' COSTUME STUDENT 2
  +
''' Grrrrr!
  +
  +
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' (pleased with himself)
  +
We're here for the Mascot Contest
  +
too.
  +
  +
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
  +
and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
  +
  +
''' HALL MONITOR
  +
'''''' (SUSPICIOUS)
  +
''' This is a costume?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (RECOVERING)
  +
''' Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night
  +
long!
  +
  +
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
  +
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
  +
suspicious.
  +
  +
''' HALL MONITOR
  +
''' Looks pretty real to me.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' If it were real could I do this?
  +
  +
Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
  +
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Or this?
  +
  +
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
  +
Shrek winces and sweats.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
  +
''' He's right! If it were real that
  +
would have been agonizingly
  +
painful!
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Now watch this....
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
  +
'''''' GRITTED TEETH)
  +
''' That's quite enough boys.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
  +
student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
  +
  +
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
  +
''' Thank you to Professor Primbottom
  +
for his invigorating lecture on how
  +
to just say "nay".
  +
  +
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
  +
up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
  +
  +
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
  +
''' And now, without further ado, let's
  +
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
  +
to the winner of our "New Mascot"
  +
contest... the--
  +
  +
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
  +
  +
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D)
  +
''' --ogre?
  +
  +
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' That's right. I'm the new mascot.
  +
So let's really try and beat the
  +
other guys... at whatever it is
  +
they're doing.
  +
  +
The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star."
  +
  +
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
  +
''' This is indeed all a bit
  +
unorthodox.
  +
  +
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's
  +
megaphone.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Now, where can I find Arthur
  +
Pendragon?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
  +
  +
  +
  +
The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie
  +
hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
  +
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
  +
  +
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' Classic.
  +
  +
Donkey turns to Lancelot.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' You should be ashamed of yourself.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' I didn't do it. They did.
  +
  +
Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
  +
with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
  +
  +
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Please don't eat me.
  +
  +
''' STUDENTS
  +
'''''' (CHANTING)
  +
''' Eat him! Eat him!
  +
  +
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
  +
  +
''' PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
  +
''' Eat him!
  +
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I'm not here to eat him.
  +
  +
''' STUDENTS
  +
'''''' AWWW.
  +
'''
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' It's time to pack up your
  +
toothbrush and jammies. You're the
  +
new King of Far Far Away.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' What?
  +
  +
The students react with surprise and disbelief.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' Artie a King? More like the Mayor
  +
of Loserville.
  +
  +
''' BOHORT
  +
''' Nice one Lance!
  +
  +
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
  +
  +
''' LANCELOT
  +
''' Burn.
  +
  +
Everyone laughs.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Is this for real?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Absolutely. Now clean out your
  +
locker, kid. You've got a kingdom
  +
to run.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' So wait, I'm really the only heir?
  +
  +
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' The one and only.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Give me just a second.
  +
  +
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
  +
speech.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' My good people, I think there's a
  +
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
  +
the next time you're about to dunk
  +
a kid's head in a chamber pot,
  +
you'll stop and think, hey, maybe
  +
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
  +
should cut him some slack. Because
  +
maybe, just maybe... this guy's
  +
gonna turn out to be, uh...I
  +
dunno...a King! And maybe his
  +
first royal decree will be to
  +
banish everyone who ever picked on
  +
him -- that's right, I'm looking at
  +
you, jousting team.
  +
  +
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always
  +
loved you.
  +
  +
''' GUINEVERRE
  +
''' Ew.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Well good friends, it breaks my
  +
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
  +
prison while I rule the free world
  +
baby!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Alright, let's not overdo it.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' I'm building my city people! On
  +
Rock and Roll!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You just overdid it.
  +
  +
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Ow!
  +
  +
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. LIBRARY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
  +
Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
  +
flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at
  +
her.
  +
  +
''' PRINCESSES
  +
'''''' (GASP)
  +
''' Oh!
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Look at you!
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Wow!
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' You look darling!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' Just precious! Look at her!
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' So, have you had any cravings since
  +
you've been pregnant?
  +
  +
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
  +
cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' (MOUTH FULL)
  +
''' No, no, not at all.
  +
  +
She takes another bite.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Do you smell ham?
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' Oooh! It's present time!
  +
  +
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
  +
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Oh, Fiona, won't you please open
  +
mine first? It's the one in front.
  +
  +
Fiona reads the card.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' (READING)
  +
''' "Congratulations on your new mess
  +
maker..." Oh, `mess maker.'
  +
''' (LAUGHS)
  +
''' "Hopefully this helps. Love,
  +
Cinderella."
  +
  +
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
  +
scooper.
  +
  +
''' PRINCESSES
  +
''' Oooo! Aaaah!
  +
  +
''' DORIS
  +
''' Will you look at that!
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' What is it?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' It's for the poopies.
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' Eww. Wait, babies poop?
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Everyone poops Beauty.
  +
  +
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
  +
  +
''' PIG #2
  +
''' Fiona...
  +
  +
''' PIG #1
  +
''' Fiona! We all chipped in for a
  +
little present too.
  +
  +
''' PIGS
  +
''' Yah!
  +
  +
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
  +
Gingerbread Man inside.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Ta dah!
  +
  +
''' PRINCESSES
  +
''' Oooh.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' You know the baby's gonna love it
  +
because I do!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Oh, you guys, that's so sweet.
  +
Thank you.
  +
  +
Fiona turns to another present.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Who's this one from?
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' I got you the biggest one because I
  +
love you the most.
  +
  +
The other girls scowl at her.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' (reading the card)
  +
"Have one on me, love Snow White"
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' (CONFUSED)
  +
''' Umm... what is it?
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby-
  +
sitter.
  +
  +
''' NANNY DWARF
  +
''' Where's the baby?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' You're too kind, Snow, but I can't
  +
accept this.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Think nothing of it. I've got six
  +
more at home.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' What does he do?
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' The cleaning.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' The feeding.
  +
  +
''' NANNY DWARF
  +
''' The burping.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' So what are Shrek and I supposed to
  +
do?
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Well, now you'll have plenty of
  +
time to work on your marriage.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's
  +
that supposed to mean?
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
  +
what happens.
  +
  +
Cinderella prods beauty.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
'''''' (WAKING)
  +
''' Huh? You're tired all the time...
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' You'll start letting yourself go...
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' Stretch marks!
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Say goodbye to romance.
  +
  +
Dragon puts her head through the window.
  +
  +
''' DRAGON
  +
''' Yort.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Um sorry... but how many of you
  +
have kids?
  +
  +
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
  +
  +
''' DORIS
  +
''' She's right. A baby is only gonna
  +
strengthen the love that Shrek and
  +
Fiona have. How did Shrek react
  +
when you told him? Tell me!
  +
  +
Fiona smiles.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Well, when he first found
  +
out...Shrek said-
  +
  +
''' DRAGON
  +
''' Roarrr!
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
  +
broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
  +
the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
  +
with one of the witches.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
  +
'''''' (LAUGHING)
  +
''' Onward my new friends.
  +
''' (MORE)
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D)
  +
''' To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
  +
ha ha ha!
  +
  +
A bug flies into his mouth.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
  +
  +
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Now, bombs away!
  +
  +
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
  +
swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
  +
  +
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
  +
branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
  +
parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
  +
Rodeo Drive.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
  +
are diving out of her way.
  +
  +
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
  +
terror.
  +
  +
''' EVIL TREES
  +
''' Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
  +
  +
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
  +
Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Well, well, well. If it isn't
  +
Peter Pan.
  +
  +
''' MOTHER
  +
''' His name's not Peter!
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Shut it, Wendy!
  +
  +
''' MOTHER
  +
''' Ahhh!
  +
  +
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
  +
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
  +
"Ye Olde HOOTERS."
  +
  +
The excited patrons race back in.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
  +
  +
  +
  +
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
  +
takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
  +
  +
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
  +
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
  +
envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Ha, ha, ha, ha!
  +
  +
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
  +
flying down Rodeo Drive.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Enough pillaging! To the castle!
  +
  +
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
  +
up to the castle.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
  +
of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
  +
  +
Fiona runs to the window.
  +
  +
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
  +
struggles.
  +
  +
''' DRAGON
  +
''' Roarrrr!
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
  +
  +
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
  +
furniture in front of the door.
  +
  +
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
  +
themselves against the furniture.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
'''''' (TO FIONA)
  +
''' You go and take care of the baby!
  +
  +
The Princesses panic.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Everybody stay calm. We're all
  +
going to die!
  +
  +
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (WHIMPER)
  +
'''
  +
Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
  +
revealing an underground passageway.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Everyone in! Now.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Prince Charming commands the Villains.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' C'mon. Put some back into it
  +
people!
  +
  +
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
  +
rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Yee-haw! Ow.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' We don't have time. Now go!
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Quickly ladies!
  +
  +
The Princesses go down the stairs.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' We'll hold them off as long as we
  +
can!
  +
  +
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
  +
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
  +
the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Where are Shrek and Fiona?
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' Name doesn't ring a bell.
  +
  +
''' PIG #1
  +
''' Yah!
  +
  +
''' PIG #2
  +
''' No bell!
  +
  +
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' I suggest you freaks cooperate with
  +
the new King of Far Far Away.
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' The only thing you're ever gonna be
  +
King of is "King of the Stupids."
  +
  +
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Hook!
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Right!
  +
  +
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Avast, ye cookie!
  +
  +
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Start talkin'!
  +
  +
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
  +
  +
A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. BAKERY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
  +
puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
  +
  +
''' MUFFIN MAN
  +
''' Gingy!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
''' Papa!
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is attending school.
  +
  +
''' TEACHER
  +
''' Settle down, now.
  +
  +
Gingerbread Man graduates.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. CHURCH - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
  +
wife.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
  +
legs.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. GYM - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
  +
rehabilitation.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
  +
  +
''' CUT BACK TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' GINGERBREAD MAN
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "On the Good Ship Lollypop,
  +
It's a sweet trip,
  +
To the candy shop,
  +
Where the Bon Bons play,
  +
On the sunny beach of Peppermint
  +
Bay.."
  +
  +
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head
  +
towards him.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' You! You can't lie. So tell me
  +
puppet... Where is Shrek?!
  +
  +
Pinocchio thinks.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
'''''' (NERVOUS)
  +
''' Well, I don't know where he's not.
  +
  +
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' You're telling me you don't know
  +
where Shrek is?
  +
  +
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume
  +
that I couldn't exactly not say
  +
that is or isn't almost partially
  +
incorrect.
  +
  +
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' So you do know where he is!
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' On the contrary, I'm possibly more
  +
or less, not definitely rejecting
  +
the idea, that in no way, with any
  +
amount of uncertainty that...
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Stop it.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO (CONT'D)
  +
''' ...I undeniably do or do not know
  +
where he shouldn't probably be.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
  +
are frustrated.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' If that indeed wasn't where he
  +
isn't. Even if he wasn't not where
  +
I knew he was could mean that I
  +
wouldn't completely not know where
  +
he wasn't.
  +
  +
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
  +
  +
''' PIG #1
  +
''' Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
  +
bring back the next heir! Oh!
  +
  +
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
  +
mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' He's bringing back the next heir?
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' No!
  +
  +
Pinocchio's nose grows.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Right!
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' But bring Shrek to me. I have
  +
something special in mind for him.
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' He'll never fall for your tricks!
  +
  +
Pinocchio's nose grows again.
  +
  +
''' WOLF
  +
''' Oh boy.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
  +
'''
  +
The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
  +
watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' I can't believe it... me a King?
  +
I...I mean I knew I came from
  +
royalty and all, but I just figured
  +
everyone forgot about me.
  +
  +
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
  +
you personally.
  +
  +
Artie smiles.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not
  +
all gonna be fun and games.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' It really is all fun and games,
  +
actually. Sure, you have to knight
  +
a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
  +
By the way, make sure you hit the
  +
boat just right with the bottle.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
  +
can hit a boat with a bottle.
  +
  +
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well, I've heard it's harder than
  +
it looks.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
  +
Parties, princesses, castles...
  +
princesses.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll
  +
be living in the lap of luxury.
  +
They got the finest chefs around
  +
waiting for you to place your
  +
order.
  +
  +
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' And fortunately you'll have the
  +
royal food tasters.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
'''''' (INTRIGUED))
  +
''' Oh yeah? What do they do?
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' They taste the food before the King
  +
eats, to make sure it's not
  +
poisoned.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Poisoned?
  +
  +
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Or too salty!
  +
  +
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (TO ARTIE)
  +
''' Don't worry about it. You'll be
  +
safe and sound with the help of
  +
your body guards.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Body guards?
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' All of them, willing at a moment's
  +
notice to lay down their own lives
  +
out of devotion to you.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Really?
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Si, and the whole kingdom will look
  +
to you for wisdom and guidance.
  +
  +
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Just make sure they don't die of
  +
famine.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Or plague.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Oh, plague is bad.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' The coughing, the groaning, the
  +
festering sores.
  +
  +
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
  +
one funny kitty cat.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' What did I say?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' We don't want Artie here getting
  +
the wrong idea.
  +
  +
Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around.
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' Uh, Artie?
  +
  +
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
  +
himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
  +
  +
''' ALL
  +
''' Whoa!
  +
  +
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
  +
direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
  +
and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
  +
slides by.
  +
  +
''' SHIP CAPTAIN
  +
''' Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Artie!
  +
  +
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' What are you doing?!
  +
  +
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
  +
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
  +
  +
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' What does it look like?!
  +
  +
He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
  +
  +
  +
  +
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
  +
up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' This really isn't up to you!
  +
  +
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
  +
wheel back the other way.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' But I don't know anything about
  +
being King!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You'll learn on the job!
  +
  +
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Whoaaa!
  +
  +
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
  +
wheel. They wrestle for control.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm
  +
going back!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Back to what? Being a loser?!
  +
  +
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone
  +
too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
  +
yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
  +
decking.
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' Now look what you did!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Look what I did? Who's holding the
  +
wheel chief?
  +
  +
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
  +
about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' (SWALLOWING; THEN
  +
'''''' SHOUTING)
  +
''' Shrek!
  +
  +
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
  +
the ship clear of the rocks.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
  +
  +
  +
  +
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
  +
crash into the rocks.
  +
  +
''' SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
  +
''' Land ho!
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. BEACH - DUSK
  +
'''
  +
Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
  +
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
  +
drops Puss and Donkey.
  +
  +
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
  +
puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' How humiliating...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Oh, so now it's "Your highness?"
  +
What happened to "loser?" Huh?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Hey, if you think this is getting
  +
you out of anything, well it isn't.
  +
We're heading back to Far Far Away
  +
one way or another, and you're
  +
gonna be a father!
  +
  +
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
  +
uncomfortably.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' What?
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (clearing his throat)
  +
A-hem. You just said father...
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You're... I said king. You're
  +
gonna be King!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
'''''' (IMITATING SHREK)
  +
''' "You're gonna be King!" Yeah
  +
right.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
  +
path into the woods.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Where do you think you're going?
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Far Far Away... from you!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You get back here young man and I
  +
mean it!
  +
  +
Artie keeps climbing.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Uh boss, I don't think he's coming
  +
back and maybe it's for the best.
  +
He is not exactly king material.
  +
  +
Shrek looks towards Artie.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' When were you planning on telling
  +
him that you were really supposed
  +
to be King?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh c'mon, now why would I do that?
  +
Besides, he'll be ten times better
  +
at it than me.
  +
  +
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
  +
you're gonna have to change your
  +
tactics if you want to get anywhere
  +
with this kid.
  +
  +
Beat.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You're right, Donkey.
  +
  +
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What about this?
  +
  +
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Shrek!
  +
  +
Shrek tosses the log.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh c'mon. It's just a joke.
  +
''' (LAUGHS)
  +
''' Still...
  +
  +
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
  +
'''
  +
Artie marches up the mountain trail.
  +
  +
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
  +
with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Listen Artie...
  +
  +
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
  +
keeps going.
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' If you think this whole mad scene
  +
ain't dope, I feel you dude. I
  +
mean, I'm not trying to get up in
  +
your grill or raise your roof or
  +
whatever, but what I am screaming
  +
is, yo, check out this kazing
  +
thazing bazaby.
  +
  +
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
  +
cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I mean, if it doesn't groove or
  +
what I'm saying ain't straight
  +
trippin', just say, oh no you
  +
didn't, you know, you're gettin' on
  +
my last nerve. And then I'll know
  +
it's... then I'll know it's whack--
  +
  +
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
  +
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
  +
shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
  +
door.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
'''''' SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
  +
'''''' BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
  +
'''''' ME!
  +
'''
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Artie! Wait!
  +
  +
  +
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help!
  +
Hello?
  +
  +
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
  +
is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
  +
wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
'''''' AHHHH!
  +
'''
  +
''' WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
  +
''' Greetings cosmic children of the
  +
universe, and welcome to my
  +
serenity circle!
  +
  +
Shrek watches.
  +
  +
''' WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
  +
''' Please leave any bad vibes outside
  +
the healing vortex. And now
  +
prepare ...
  +
  +
With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
  +
  +
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' I knew I should of gotten that
  +
warranty!
  +
  +
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
  +
is promptly zapped in the head.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Mr. Merlin?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You know this guy?
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Yeah. He was the school's magic
  +
teacher until he had his nervous
  +
breakdown.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Uh, technically I was merely a
  +
victim of a level three fatigue,
  +
and at the request of my therapist
  +
and the school authorities, I have
  +
retired to the tranquility of
  +
nature to discover my divine
  +
purpose.
  +
  +
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
  +
  +
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Now, can I interest anyone in a
  +
snack or beverage?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Uh, no.
  +
  +
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Sure you don't wanna try my famous
  +
rock au-gratin?
  +
  +
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
  +
from eating rocks.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' It's organic!
  +
  +
They both stare at him uncomfortably.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
  +
the way in. What we need are
  +
directions back to Far Far Away.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' What's with the "we"? Who said I
  +
was going with you?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of
  +
people counting on you so don't try
  +
and weasel out of it.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' If it's such a great job, why don't
  +
you do it?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Understand this kid, it's no more
  +
Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
  +
Guy?"
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I know, and I'm gonna miss him.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' You know what? Why don't you go
  +
terrorize a village and leave me
  +
alone?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, is that some kind of crack
  +
about ogres? You get your royal
  +
highness to Far Far Away before I
  +
kick it there.
  +
''' (TO MERLIN)
  +
''' Now which way am I kicking?
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Oh, I could tell you. But since
  +
you're in the midst of self-
  +
destructive rage spiral it would be
  +
karmic-ly irresponsible.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Self-destructive ra...
  +
''' (TO MERLIN)
  +
''' Look, are you gonna help us or not?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Most definitely, but only after you
  +
take the journey to your soul.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah, I don't think so.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Look pal, it's either that or some
  +
primal scream therapy.
  +
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
  +
  +
Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Alright, alright... journey to the
  +
soul...
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER
  +
'''
  +
A fire blazes.
  +
  +
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Now all of you, look into the "Fire
  +
of Truth" and tell me what you see!
  +
Yah! Ha!
  +
(Wild war cry)
  +
Woo-looo-looo-looo!
  +
  +
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
  +
Rorschach inkblots).
  +
  +
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
  +
dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
  +
swirls.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Okay. Monster, go for it.
  +
  +
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
  +
begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
  +
He covers his fear and changes the subject.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I see a rainbow pony.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Excellent work!
  +
''' (THEN)
  +
''' Now! The boy!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' This is lame.
  +
  +
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Ow!
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' You're lame! Now just go for it.
  +
  +
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Okay. There's a baby bird and a
  +
father bird sitting in a nest.
  +
  +
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to
  +
change as he stays focused.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
  +
did he leave the little bird all
  +
alone?
  +
  +
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
  +
worked up.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' It's trying to fly, but it doesn't
  +
know how to. It.. it's gonna fall!
  +
  +
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
  +
away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
  +
stunned.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Whew, proper head case you are,
  +
aren't you? Really messed up.
  +
Whoa.
  +
  +
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
  +
bird's me. My dad left. So what?
  +
  +
  +
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
  +
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
'''''' (CLEARS THROAT)
  +
''' Look Artie...um-
  +
  +
Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are
  +
For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device
  +
drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
  +
shack where Merlin peeks out.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' (loud, over the music)
  +
Just thought I might help set the
  +
mood! Y'know for your big heart to
  +
heart chat!
  +
  +
Everyone stares at him.
  +
  +
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's
  +
quiet again.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I know what it's like to not feel
  +
ready for something.
  +
  +
Artie looks at him.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Even ogres get scared...you know,
  +
once in a while.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' I know you want me to be king, but
  +
I can't. I'm not cut out for it and
  +
I never will be, alright?
  +
  +
Shrek takes this in.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE (CONT'D)
  +
''' Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth
  +
the trouble. He dumped me at that
  +
school the first chance he got and
  +
I never heard from him again.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' My dad wasn't really the fatherly
  +
type either.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Well, I doubt he was worse than
  +
mine.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
  +
He tried to eat me.
  +
  +
Artie looks at Shrek.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Now, I guess I should have seen it
  +
coming. He used to give me a bath
  +
in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
  +
with an apple in my mouth.
  +
  +
Artie chuckles at this.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Okay... I guess that's... pretty
  +
bad.
  +
  +
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You know, it may be hard to believe
  +
what with my obvious charm and good
  +
looks, but people used to think
  +
that I was a monster. And for a
  +
long time, I believed them.
  +
  +
Artie looks up at Shrek.
  +
  +
''' SHREK (CONT'D)
  +
''' But after awhile, you learn to
  +
ignore the names that people call
  +
you and you just trust who you are.
  +
  +
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' You know, you're okay, Shrek.
  +
  +
He tosses the stick into the fire.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' You just need to do a little less
  +
yelling and use a little more soap.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Thanks Artie.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' The soap's because you stink.
  +
Really bad.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Yeah. I got that.
  +
  +
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
  +
fire continues to burn.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
  +
darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
  +
below the castle.
  +
  +
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
  +
the way, holding a torch.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Oh this place is filthy. I feel
  +
like a hobo.
  +
  +
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' I'm sorry but this just isn't
  +
working for me.
  +
  +
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' Everything's always about you,
  +
isn't it? It's not like your
  +
attitude is helping, Snow.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Well maybe it just bothers you that
  +
I was voted fairest in the land.
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' You mean in that rigged election?
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Oh, give me a break.
  +
(gesturing toward hair)
  +
''' (MORE)
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
  +
SNOW WHITE (cont'd)
  +
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
  +
golden extensions!"
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Ladies, let go of your petty
  +
complaints and let's work together.
  +
  +
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
  +
  +
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
  +
Princesses follow.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' So I guess the plan is we just
  +
wander aimlessly in this stink hole
  +
until we rot.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' No, we're gonna get inside and find
  +
out what Charming's up to.
  +
  +
''' DORIS
  +
''' I know he's a jerk and everything,
  +
but I gotta admit, that Charming
  +
makes me hotter than July.
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' Ew!
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Ugh.
  +
  +
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' That's it!
  +
  +
Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
  +
and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
  +
outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
  +
a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
  +
set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
  +
  +
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
  +
  +
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
  +
Princesses to follow her.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Come on, this way!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Rapunzel. Wait!
  +
  +
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
  +
sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
  +
the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
  +
arm.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Charming, let go of her.
  +
  +
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
  +
  +
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' But why would I want to do that?
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Grrrr!
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Woof!
  +
  +
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
  +
kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' What?
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
  +
of Far Far Away.
  +
  +
Cinderella claps excitedly.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Yaaaaaaaaay!
  +
  +
The Princesses stare her down.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Rapunzel, how could you?
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' Jealous much?
  +
  +
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Soon you'll be back where you
  +
started... scrubbing floors or
  +
locked away in towers; that is, if
  +
I let you last the week.
  +
  +
''' RAPUNZEL
  +
''' But Pooky, you promised you
  +
wouldn't hurt them!
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
  +
will discuss it later. Now forgive
  +
us, we have a show to put on.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Shrek will be back soon Charming,
  +
and you'll be sorry.
  +
  +
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Sorry? Don't you realize --once
  +
Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
  +
he's doomed?
  +
  +
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
  +
apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
  +
  +
The guards march them off.
  +
  +
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
  +
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
  +
'''
  +
Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
  +
looking around. He realizes it's morning.
  +
  +
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
  +
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
  +
  +
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
  +
everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
  +
everyone.
  +
  +
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
  +
  +
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
  +
Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Ow!
  +
  +
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
  +
wakes up.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ahhh!
  +
  +
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
  +
trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
  +
  +
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
  +
away from his keys and faces them.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Look out! They've got a piano!
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
  +
  +
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' King Charming has something special
  +
in mind for you, ogre.
  +
  +
Shrek is perplexed.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' "King Charming?"
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Attack!
  +
  +
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
  +
  +
''' PIRATES
  +
'''''' AAAARGH!
  +
'''
  +
One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
  +
  +
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
  +
side.
  +
  +
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Artie, Duck!
  +
  +
Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses
  +
him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
  +
Artie above his head.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
  +
  +
  +
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
  +
the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
  +
  +
A pirate charges Donkey.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ahhh!
  +
  +
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
  +
protecting Donkey.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Ha-ha! Argh!
  +
  +
''' PIRATES
  +
''' Argh! Argh!
  +
  +
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
  +
happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
  +
rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
  +
  +
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
  +
pirate bounces off Shrek's belly.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Ready the plank!
  +
  +
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
  +
"plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
  +
  +
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
  +
is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
  +
waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
  +
lid on him.
  +
  +
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
  +
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
  +
Donkey and Artie up in a net.
  +
  +
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
  +
starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
  +
through the netting.
  +
  +
The cannon fuse is lit.
  +
  +
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
  +
chest still stuck to his behind.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Shrek!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Help!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
  +
grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
  +
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
  +
catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
  +
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
  +
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it
  +
into pieces.
  +
  +
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
  +
holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
  +
take off running.
  +
  +
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
  +
his hook in the air.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Ya cowards!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What has Charming done with Fiona?
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' She's gonna get what's coming to
  +
her.
  +
  +
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
  +
Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
  +
Villains.
  +
  +
''' CAPTAIN HOOK
  +
''' Ahhh.
  +
''' (YELLING BACK)
  +
''' And there ain't nothing you can do
  +
to stop him!
  +
  +
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
  +
him now.
  +
  +
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' We've got to save her!
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' But she's so far far away!
  +
  +
Shrek thinks for a moment.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Get yourself back to
  +
Worcestershire, kid.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've
  +
got an idea.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
  +
approaches him.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
'''''' (CHANTING)
  +
''' I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
  +
buzz...
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
  +
get them...I mean, us, back to Far
  +
Far Away.
  +
  +
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
  +
eye at Artie.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
'''''' (GETTING UP)
  +
''' Forget it. I don't have that kind
  +
of magic in me anymore, kid. How
  +
about a hug instead? Hmm? That's
  +
the best kind of magic.
  +
  +
Artie tries a new approach.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
  +
''' DO IT-
  +
'''
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' I said, forget it!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
'''''' BUT-
  +
'''
  +
Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
  +
breath.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN (CONT'D)
  +
''' Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
  +
healing. Mumble, mumble.
  +
  +
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
  +
to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Oh. What, what's with you?
  +
  +
Artie continues to cry.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' It's just so hard. You know? They
  +
really need to get back `cause
  +
their kingdom's in trouble `cause
  +
there's a really bad man and it's
  +
just so hard...
  +
  +
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' C'mon, take it easy.
  +
  +
Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' No! I don't think you understand!
  +
There's a mean person doing mean
  +
things to good people-
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oh, have a heart old man!
  +
  +
Artie grabs him, now desperate.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' And they really need your help to
  +
get them back! So why won't you
  +
help them?
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Oh.
  +
  +
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
  +
  +
Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my
  +
things.
  +
  +
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
  +
Shrek is impressed.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Piece of cake.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well, well, well. You want some
  +
eggs with that ham?
  +
  +
Shrek smiles.
  +
  +
Merlin returns holding a spell book.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Now, I am a little rusty, so there
  +
could be some side effects.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Side effects!?
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Don't worry, whatever it is, no
  +
matter how excruciatingly painful
  +
it may be, it'll wear off
  +
eventually... I think.
  +
  +
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
  +
his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Ah!
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Oops.
  +
  +
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Are you sure this is a good idea?
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Look, if Artie trusts him, that's
  +
good enough for me. Even if his
  +
robe doesn't quite cover his-
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
  +
zoom zoom. Let's help our friends
  +
get back, um... soon!
  +
  +
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss,
  +
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
  +
  +
''' MERLIN
  +
''' Woah! It worked!
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
  +
canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
  +
foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (moan and groan)
  +
  +
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY (CONT'D)
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Oh man, I haven't been on a trip
  +
like that since college.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Donkey?
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
What? Is there something in my
  +
teeth?
  +
  +
Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
  +
Puss' body.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Huh? What the?
  +
''' (GASP)
  +
''' Oh no!
  +
  +
Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at
  +
Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
I've been abracadabra'd into a
  +
fancy feasting second rate
  +
sidekick.
  +
  +
Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
  +
Puss' body).
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
At least you don't look like some
  +
kind of bloated roadside piñata.
  +
You really should think about going
  +
on a diet!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Yeah, and you should think about
  +
getting yourself a pair of pants!
  +
I feel all exposed and nasty.
  +
  +
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
  +
to their faces. They burst out laughing.
  +
  +
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Oh, so you two think this is funny?
  +
  +
Puss is fuming.
  +
  +
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
'''''' (SNICKERS)
  +
''' I'm really sorry guys.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Don't be! You got us back kid.
  +
  +
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
  +
them. He turns back to Artie.
  +
  +
Artie smiles.
  +
  +
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
  +
Hans Christian Andersen am I
  +
supposed to parade around in these
  +
goofy boots?
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' Be very careful with those - HEE
  +
''' HAW!
  +
'''
  +
Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' They were made in Madrid by the
  +
finest- HEE HAW!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Oh, you'll learn to control that.
  +
  +
''' TIME CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
  +
'''
  +
Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome
  +
sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
  +
"Go Go Away."
  +
  +
Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new
  +
feet hurt in their tiny boots.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Seriously man, you need some
  +
comfort inserts or arch supports or
  +
something.
  +
(noticing Rodeo Drive)
  +
Woah!
  +
  +
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
  +
everywhere.
  +
  +
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
  +
Rodeo Drive.
  +
  +
''' EVIL WITCHES
  +
''' Woohoo!!
  +
  +
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
  +
Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
  +
street.
  +
  +
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
  +
  +
A crash is heard off-screen.
  +
  +
''' EVIL DWARF #1
  +
''' Hey... watch it I'm walking here...
  +
and I'm gonna keep going...
  +
  +
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
  +
Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
  +
  +
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
  +
Pinocchio dancing in it.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Pinocchio?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Shrek!
  +
  +
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
  +
on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Pinocchio!
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Help me!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' What's happened?
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Charming and the Villains have
  +
taken over everything! They
  +
attacked us but Fiona and the
  +
Princesses got away. And now she's-
  +
''' -
  +
'''
  +
The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
  +
goes down.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' She's what?! She's what!?
  +
  +
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
  +
costs per show.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' (turns to Puss in Donkey's
  +
''' BODY)
  +
''' Puss, loan me five bucks!
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help
  +
a brother out.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Do you see any pockets on me?
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Hold on a second.
  +
  +
Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
  +
a bag of money falls onto the ground.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Aha!
  +
  +
Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
I had no idea ...really ...I swear.
  +
  +
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
  +
starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
  +
  +
''' PINOCCHIO
  +
''' Charming's got her locked away some
  +
place secret. You gotta find him!
  +
He's probably getting ready for the
  +
''' SHOWWWW---
  +
'''
  +
The curtain goes down again.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
  +
show?
  +
  +
Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points
  +
to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (reading the poster)
  +
It's A Happily Ever After, After
  +
All!
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Shrek's final performance.
  +
  +
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
  +
foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
  +
ground.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us
  +
you were in a play.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well I guess I've been so busy I
  +
forgot to mention it!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' GUARD #1 (O.S.)
  +
''' It's the ogre! Get him!
  +
  +
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal
  +
knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
  +
alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Don't worry, Jefe. I got this.
  +
  +
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
  +
large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
  +
hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're
  +
staring at a donkey.
  +
  +
The guards recoil.
  +
  +
''' GUARD #2
  +
''' Ugh! Kill it!
  +
  +
Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats.
  +
  +
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
  +
forward, confronting the guards.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Look, don't you know who he thinks
  +
he is? How dare you?
  +
  +
Shrek picks up on his plan.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Donkey, we're dealing with
  +
amateurs.
  +
  +
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
  +
wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
  +
poster off the wall.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so
  +
sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I'm gonna lose it!
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' I assume you have everything ready
  +
for tonight! You did get the list
  +
for the dressing room?
  +
  +
Donkey marches in.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Yeah, the breakfast croissants
  +
stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
  +
Oh, and please tell me you at least
  +
have the saffron corn with the
  +
jalapeno honey butter cause our
  +
client cannot get into his proper
  +
emotional state without his
  +
jalapeno honey butter.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' I just lost it!
  +
  +
''' GUARD #1
  +
''' Uh...Maybe they should talk to
  +
Nancy in Human Resources.
  +
  +
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
  +
castle.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Oh, we'll have much to say to
  +
Nancy, I promise!
  +
  +
The guards look at each other nervously.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
  +
'''
  +
A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
  +
number.
  +
  +
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
  +
in the rear of the stage.
  +
  +
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
  +
a Shrek stand in.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' (reading his lines from a
  +
''' SCRIPT)
  +
''' With this sword, I do- No.
  +
  +
He starts the line over.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' With this sword, I do smote thee!
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
  +
falls to the ground.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
'''''' (TO HIMSELF) )
  +
''' Is that the right word? "Smote?"
  +
"Smooote." Is that even a word
  +
actually? Maybe I should just
  +
smite him.
  +
  +
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Let's try this again. Now...
  +
  +
  +
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
  +
Prince Charming.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' (playing the scene out
  +
''' QUIETLY)
  +
''' Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
  +
afraid.
  +
(he fake screams)
  +
Ooh!!!
  +
  +
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
  +
chuckles.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' I say...
  +
(he riffles through pages)
  +
"Finally the Kingdom will get the
  +
happily ever after they deserve,
  +
die Ogre", blah, blah, blah...
  +
  +
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
  +
Prince Charming is still frustrated.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Oh! It just doesn't feel real
  +
enough yet!
  +
  +
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
  +
dancing villains who are staring at him.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Who told you to stop dancing?!
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
  +
  +
  +
  +
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' And what are you laying around for?
  +
Get up! Honestly.
  +
  +
Prince Charming storms off.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
  +
'''
  +
Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
  +
room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
  +
and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
  +
  +
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
  +
of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
  +
his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Our happily ever after is nearly
  +
complete, mummy. And I assure you,
  +
the people of this kingdom will pay
  +
dearly for every second we've had
  +
to wait.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
  +
standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
  +
side him.
  +
  +
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Break a leg. Or, on second
  +
thought, let me break it for you.
  +
  +
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
  +
dressing table.
  +
  +
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
  +
under the counter.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Thank goodness you're here. I was
  +
beginning to think you might not
  +
make it back in... time.
  +
  +
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Where's Fiona?
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Don't worry. She and the others
  +
are safe. For now.
  +
  +
Shrek strengthens his grip.
  +
  +
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
  +
surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Ow.
  +
  +
Prince Charming smiles.
  +
  +
Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming
  +
with a thud.
  +
  +
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
  +
Shrek.
  +
  +
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
  +
his face.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' Let me guess... Arthur?
  +
  +
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' It's Artie, actually.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' This boy is supposed to be the new
  +
King of Far Far Away?
  +
  +
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
  +
Artie's neck.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
  +
won't make a mess.
  +
  +
Shrek steps in.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Charming, stop! I'm here now, you
  +
got what you wanted. This isn't
  +
about him.
  +
  +
Artie is confused.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' Then who's it about? I'm supposed
  +
to be King, right?
  +
  +
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You weren't really next in line for
  +
the throne, okay? I was.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' But you said the King asked for me
  +
personally.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Not exactly.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' What's that supposed to mean?
  +
  +
  +
Shrek becomes defensive.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Look, I said whatever I had to say,
  +
alright! I wasn't right for the
  +
job, I just needed some fool to
  +
replace me, and you fit the bill.
  +
So just go!
  +
  +
Artie is stunned.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' You were playing me the whole time.
  +
  +
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' You catch on real fast kid... Maybe
  +
you're not as big of a loser as I
  +
thought.
  +
  +
Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
  +
Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
  +
  +
''' ARTIE
  +
''' You know, for a minute there, I
  +
actually thought you -
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' What? That he cared about you? He's
  +
an ogre. What did you expect?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
  +
stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
  +
  +
Shrek lowers his head in shame.
  +
  +
''' PRINCE CHARMING
  +
''' You really do have a way with
  +
children, Shrek.
  +
  +
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM:
  +
'''
  +
Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE GATE:
  +
'''
  +
The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away
  +
from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
  +
storms away.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. DUNGEON:
  +
'''
  +
Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
  +
chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. PRISON:
  +
'''
  +
The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
  +
comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
  +
sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
  +
'''
  +
All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
  +
the same prison cell.
  +
  +
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
  +
shine.
  +
  +
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
  +
distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Had we just stayed put like I
  +
suggested, we could be sipping tea
  +
out of little heart-shaped cups...
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Eating crumpets smothered with
  +
loganberries.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Yeah... loganberries.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Shut up Cindy.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Yeah, shut up.
  +
  +
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
  +
''' No! You shut up!
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' Just stay out of this!
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Who cares who's running the kingdom
  +
anyway?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' I care.
  +
  +
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' And you should all care too.
  +
  +
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
  +
other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
  +
them.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Yeah, and I have your badge number,
  +
''' "TIN CAN-"
  +
'''
  +
Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a
  +
cat.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' FIONA (O.S.)
  +
''' Donkey?!
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Princess?!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Puss?!
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
  +
Puss, stuck here inside this
  +
hideous body.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
And I'm me!
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
'''''' BUT YOU'RE-
  +
'''
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
I know, I know. Everything's a
  +
little fruity in the loops right
  +
now. But what happened is, we went
  +
to high school, the boat crashed,
  +
and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
  +
by the "Magic Man."
  +
  +
''' DORIS
  +
''' You poor sweet things.
  +
  +
''' CINDERELLA
  +
''' I don't get it.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' The cat turned into a little horse
  +
that smells like feet. What's to
  +
get?
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
'''''' (WAKING UP)
  +
''' Huh? Who dat?
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Where's Shrek?
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' Charming's got him, Princess. And
  +
he plans on killing Shrek tonight
  +
in front of the whole kingdom.
  +
  +
Fiona's lets out a breath.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Alright everyone, we need to find a
  +
way out, now.
  +
  +
The Princesses nod in agreement.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' You're right.
  +
(to the other Princesses)
  +
Ladies, assume the position!
  +
  +
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
  +
assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
  +
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' What are you doing?
  +
  +
''' SLEEPING BEAUTY
  +
''' Waiting to be rescued.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' You have got to be kidding me.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Well, what do you expect us to do?
  +
We're just four...
  +
''' (NOTICES DORIS)
  +
''' I mean, three, super hot
  +
princesses, two circus freaks, a
  +
pregnant ogre and an old lady.
  +
  +
The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
  +
through.
  +
  +
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
  +
lets out a yell.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
  +
  +
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
  +
and the Princesses are impressed.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
  +
''' Whoa.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Mom!?
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Well, you didn't actually think you
  +
got your fighting skills from your
  +
father, did you?
  +
  +
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
  +
  +
Snow White points to another wall behind them.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Excuse me, I think there's still
  +
one more.
  +
  +
The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Hmmmm.
  +
  +
The Queen hurries to the other wall.
  +
  +
''' QUEEN
  +
''' Hiiiiyah!
  +
  +
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
  +
  +
Fiona approaches her mother.
  +
  +
The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
  +
softly to herself.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Why don't you just lie down?
  +
  +
The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
  +
  +
Fiona turns to the others.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Okay girls, from here on out, we're
  +
gonna take care of business
  +
ourselves.
  +
  +
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
  +
Princesses. They nod.
  +
  +
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
  +
Dopey tattoo.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
  +
  +
  +
  +
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
  +
  +
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
  +
football player).
  +
  +
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
  +
  +
Doris burns her bra.
  +
  +
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and
  +
Donkey's hands come in last.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
  +
taps it on the score in front of him.
  +
  +
''' ANNOUNCER
  +
''' Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
  +
Away Theatre at the Charming
  +
Pavilion is proud to present: "It's
  +
a Happily Ever After, After All."
  +
  +
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a
  +
Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
  +
himself."
  +
  +
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
  +
and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
  +
  +
''' EVIL KNIGHT #1
  +
''' Enjoy your evening of theatrical
  +
reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
  +
beverages in the theatre! Hey!
  +
  +
The orchestra begins to warm up.
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. STAGE
  +
'''
  +
The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
  +
stage to backstage.
  +
  +
  +
''' INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
  +
'''
  +
SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
  +
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
  +
attached to the floor.
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
  +
  +
  +
  +
He pulls the chains tight.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Oww, easy.
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Sorry. I guess I was just showing
  +
off for the little one.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Huh?
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' It's "Bring your kids to work day."
  +
C'mere beautiful.
  +
  +
Cyclops motions to the shadows.
  +
  +
CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
  +
Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
  +
  +
Shrek recoils.
  +
  +
''' SHREK
  +
''' Well... she's got your eye.
  +
  +
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
  +
  +
''' CYCLOPS
  +
''' Who woulda thought a monster like
  +
me deserves something as special as
  +
you?
  +
  +
They touch foreheads affectionately.
  +
  +
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
  +
look on his face.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
  +
'''
  +
The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
  +
castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
  +
Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
  +
signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
  +
entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
  +
White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal
  +
Friends/With A Smile."
  +
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."
  +
  +
The birds answer her in song.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Ahh ha ha ha haa."
  +
  +
The birds answer again.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
  +
Little birdies take wing,
  +
flitting down from the trees they
  +
appear, and to chirp in my ear."
  +
  +
All the forest creatures flock to her.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "All because I sing.
  +
Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
  +
  +
More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
  +
  +
The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
'''''' (SINGING)
  +
''' "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
  +
  +
Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led
  +
Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."
  +
  +
''' SNOW WHITE
  +
''' Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!!
  +
  +
All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
  +
Princesses charge forward.
  +
  +
''' FIONA
  +
''' Move it! Go! Go! Go!
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
''' Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.
  +
  +
  +
  +
  +
''' EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front
  +
gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
  +
  +
The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss'
  +
body) busts open their cage.
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
My babies!
  +
  +
The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him.
  +
  +
''' PUSS
  +
''' (in Donkey's body)
  +
Help! Ow!
  +
  +
''' DONKEY
  +
''' (in Puss' body)
  +
Hey!
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
  +
the lock to open the gates.
  +
  +
As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
  +
towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
  +
boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
  +
ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
  +
  +
Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
  +
Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
  +
over the castle wall.
  +
  +
''' CUT TO:
  +
'''
  +
  +
''' EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
  +
'''
  +
Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out